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Out of the Ashes – Part II

Hope and Healing, Comfort and Restoration after the Loss of a Loved One

“Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  ‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’ Matthew 14:29-31

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This worn out picture is one my brother had hanging in his room. The power and the beauty of this imagery never resonated in my heart and mind until this week.

Fixing My Thoughts.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8

A year after losing my big brother to a hard fought battle with mental illness, I am thankful for the light that continues to grow brighter each day.  My journey through grief is not over.  I will always bear a scar in this life.  His death is a part of me now and will be with me wherever I go.  His absence is a void I will always feel.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  ~ Psalms 147:3

Throughout this journey, my faith has grown stronger.  Through my weakest moments, I was never more aware of my need for Jesus.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Jesus Christ is central, core to my existence.  He is the anchor for my soul.  Never before have I been more acutely aware of my need for His grace, and at the same time, more grateful for the hope and the promise that lies in Heaven.  Heaven makes all the difference.  If it wasn’t for Heaven, this earthly sorrow would be unbearable.  But as the song goes, “Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.”

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~Revelations 21:4

I have realized, that although I didn’t always love my brother perfectly (and the truth is, no one loves perfectly, except for Jesus Christ), I loved him well.  And although I could have done more to help him sometimes, I am not the one with the power to save a person.  Only Jesus has the power to save, and Seth trusted his soul to the only one with that power.

One of my favorite quotes and mottoes in life is, “We have no control over our circumstances.  We do, however, have control over how we react to our circumstances.”  If I choose to dwell on all of the things I did wrong, if I choose to dwell on the pain and suffering Seth endured, if I dwell on his absence too long, I become downcast.  It begins to consume and overwhelm me.  But, if I fix my eyes on the truth that our separation is only temporary, on the truth, that in just a little while, I will see my big brother again, I will see his shining face, feel his embrace, kiss his face, hear him laugh, then I can start to heal.  I can smile, I can remember all of the good memories I had with Seth, and I can move forward with the life I still have.

Looking back, and even now, I am aware that God never abandoned me.  Through it all, as dark as it got, I was never completely over taken.  I have been poured out to through my patient and loving husband, through my innocent and beautiful children, through my amazing and supportive family, through my encouraging church family, through my pastors, through music, through my faithful and devoted friends, through God’s beautiful creation in nature, and through His living and active Word.  Jesus reached down, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of the deep sea.  He carried me back to the boat, calmed the winds and the waves, and planted me firmly on the shore.  It’s a different shore than where I was a year ago, but I know He has more in store for me.  If you are alive, God has a purpose for you.  All you have to do is respond to His offering.  When you call to Him, He answers.  Not always how you anticipate or want Him to, but He is faithful.  Always.

Life is certainly full of mystery, and one of the greatest questions we have all asked or heard is,  “If God is real and so ‘good’, then why does He allow bad things to happen?”  I do not have a perfect answer for that question.  But there are some certainties that I know are true:

1) Jesus told us in this life we will have troubles.  Yes, he actually warned us that life would not be easy.  Thankfully, he also reminded us that He has overcome the world.  He defeated death!  And in just a little while, He will return.  He will restore all that has been broken.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have suffering. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33

2) God does not ‘will’ bad things to happen to His children.  Think about it.  If you are a parent, or a teacher, or aunt, uncle, etc., would you ‘will’ anything bad or horrible to happen to your children?  Of course not!  God loves us more than we can fathom.  Jesus warned us again, that it is the enemy who comes to “steal, kill and destroy.”  He came to give us life.  He came to save us and redeem us.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  ~ John 10:10

3) After Satan has dropped a bomb on us, and things seem hopelessly obliterated, God is faithful to come in and restore things.  He will clean up the mess and bring beauty from the ashes.  He didn’t say, all things will be good all of the time.  He said He will work things out for the good for us, meaning, when a horrible tragedy strikes, that is not the end of story.  God will get the last word, and He will have the victory.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

I will never understand all of the horrible suffering and evil that happens in this life, but I take heart in knowing someday, I will.  When I am reunited with Jesus, and my loved ones in Heaven, all things will be revealed.  And I will not question, I will not say, “No, God, you were wrong that time.”  Until then, I pray for the strength and the clarity to take possession of all that Jesus has grabbed a hold of and laid out before me.  I have realized, “I have not been cheated, I have been chosen for such a time as  this.”  I am right where I am supposed to be for a reason.  And, Christine Cain reminded me, “If you live long enough, death is inevitable.  Life is the only thing we won’t get out of.  We shouldn’t fear death.  We should fear not living the life we are called to live.”

This is how I see my big brother now. A beautiful imagery created by my talented cousin, Ryan Williams.
This is how I see my big brother now. A beautiful imagery created by my talented cousin, Ryan Williams.

Posted on by CassieR22 · 2 Comments

Out of the Ashes – Part I

A 12 Month Journey of Suicide Survival, Grief, Motherhood, Warfare, and Grace

Today, November 4, 2014, marks an anniversary I’ve been dreading.  The day before we had rushed around, scrambling as a family of five to get to church and then a soccer game for our five year old.  As we scrambled to load strollers, diaper bags, a toddler, newborn, our five year old, and get out of the door ‘on time’, my phone rang.  It wasn’t a convenient time for a casual phone conversation.  It was my big brother, Seth.  He asked if we’d been to church that day, trying to sound chipper.

“Yes,” came my defensive rebuttal.  “Did YOU go to church today?”

“No” was his usual reply.

“Well, I have to go, we’re trying to get Ben to his soccer game.  I’ll call you later.”

That night I felt convicted that I had rushed too much and was too short with Seth on the phone.  I knew he was struggling right now because he was unemployed, searching for a job, beginning to feel overwhelmed about bills and money, and things sometimes looked hopeless.  And of course, on top of it all, he battled with mental illness.  I sent him a text apologizing and told him I would call him tomorrow.  His response was “OK”.   Before bed, I decided to put together a care package for him that would hopefully cheer him up, make him feel loved and cared for.  I gathered some food items to make tacos, Seth loved tacos.  We were always sharing recipe techniques with each other during our evening phone calls.  He usually had  a new tip that would make it better.  I also threw in some Halloween candy, a picture Ben colored for him, and a book I had been discussing with him.  This book had a major impact on my my spiritual life and general outlook, and I was hoping it would help him as well.  It was about spiritual warfare.

The next morning, I dropped Ben off at school, stopped by the post office with Nolan and Addie, and mailed Seth’s package.  I texted him right after to let him know he should expect a package from me by Wednesday.  “OK” was his only response.

That afternoon, after finally getting my two year old down for a nap, and then nursing Addie to sleep, I sat on the couch debating whether I should try to lay her down, or just hold her while she slept.  I was exhausted and could use a break, but I didn’t want to risk waking her.  Then, my phone rang.  Crap, don’t wake the baby!  I looked down at my phone and it was Seth, so I decided to answer.  He sounded really low.  I asked if he had gone out that morning to drop off an application where his friend, Tim, worked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, did you talk to Tim while you were there?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“He wasn’t there.”

“Oh.  Well, try to remember to follow up with him.  Give him a call or text him so he knows you were there.”

“OK.”

I was worried that if I wasn’t persistent, he might not follow through.  A few minutes of silence passed and I was getting impatient.  Why did he call if he had nothing to say?  “So, what else did you do today?”  I was hoping to get some conversation going.

“Nothing.”

More silence.  “Is Eddie coming down to hunt this weekend?”

I was getting tired of being the middle man.  “I don’t know.  He wasn’t going to, but now he says he wants to.  You should call him tonight and talk to him about it.”

“OK.”  A few more minutes of silence.

“Well, I guess I’ll let you go.”  I was ready to get off the phone, I was busy and getting agitated.

“OK.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

I had no idea, that would be the very last earthly conversation I would have with my big brother.  I had no idea that was the last time I would hear his voice in this life.  I had no idea I was the last person he would call.

That night after the kids were in bed, I tried to call Seth.  No answer.  I tried to push aside the familiar fearful thoughts that something could be wrong.  I’ll talk to him tomorrow, he’s probably already in bed.

The next morning, Tuesday, November 5, I was busy with the same old stuff.  Nolan was in his high chair eating breakfast, Ben was at school, and I was changing Addie.  Eddie called me around 9 – 9:30 AM.  “Are you at home right now?”

“Yeah, why?”

He paused.  “Have you talked to your Mom this morning?”

Why would…wait, “No, why?  Is something WRONG?!  Did something bad happen?!”  My mind started racing as fast as my heart, I started to think something happened to Ben at school, but that didn’t make sense…Seth.  “DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO SETH?  IS HE OK?”

Eddie started sobbing.  “I’m on my way home.”

I knew.  He wanted to tell me in person, but I begged him to tell me Seth wasn’t dead. When he said yes, I could not believe it.  This is a nightmare and I have to wake up, right now.  I dropped the phone.  I fell on my knees and screamed.  I cried out to God, “NO!  Why did you let this happen?!  You were supposed to protect him!”  I tore my shirt off and started punching the door, and then I fell back on the floor.  I suddenly realized my babies were crying and I had to try and pull it together.

My mom was worried after Seth hadn’t answered his phone so she drove over to his house to check on him, and that is when she found him.  My big brother, had lost his battle with a horrible, painful, disease.  In the same way our father had lost the battle 25 years earlier.

The hours, days, weeks, and months to follow were like climbing the longest, darkest, and sometimes loneliest mountain I’ve ever climbed.  Many days, I would become paralyzed by grief and guilt.  After experiencing the most traumatic loss of my existence, I naively thought, “Surely this is it.  I can’t handle anymore, so God won’t allow me to endure anymore suffering.  I’ll crumble otherwise.  And surely, the enemy is convinced I’m down for the count, and he’ll leave me alone.”  However, the storms raged on.  Addie battled one illness after another, with three ER trips, one hospitalization, and one surgery, plus countless doctor’s visits.  My life got messier and messier.  I was only reacting to life as each wave hit, struggling to lift my head long enough to gasp for air, then back under.  Everything I did was the bare minimum, just enough to survive and keep my three kids alive.  Ben struggled in kindergarten, and I assumed blame for that as well.  Everything was dark and gray in my world.

At times I wondered, would I ever be able to feel more joy than sorrow in my life?  Would I ever be able to get through a single day with more smiles than tears?  Would the immense, overwhelming ache in my heart always consume me?  Would I ever be able to enjoy all of the beautiful life that still surrounded me?