I can’t remember the last New Years I anticipated so anxiously as 2015; except maybe 2008, when we were expecting the arrival of our first child, Ben. Perhaps it’s because I’m coming off the end of a very challenging year. A year that revolved around my journey of grief after losing my big brother, Seth. I am finally at a stage where I see beauty and feel joy, and most of the time it outweighs the gray and sorrow. I am ready to start LIVING life instead of just SURVIVING it.
I have been bouncing around a blog post idea to kick off 2015 and my resolutions. I have some very clear, intentional goals. It’s not just ‘losing xx number of pounds’, or learning a new hobby. Those goals are definitely on my horizon, but when I received this article in my inbox today, I realized, it sums up my goals quite well. Building a Better You to Build a Better Relationship

Last week I had a conversation with a friend about some of the ideas that are mentioned in Andy’s article. I haven’t read his book, and not saying I agree on all of his points (I think ‘date nights’ are a great idea, and really necessary to a healthy marriage because it prioritizes a designated time for just my husband and I to enjoy each other and have meaningful, uninterrupted time together), but his article articulates some really great points about the importance of maintaining relationships: friendship, marriage, parenthood, etc. And he also brings to light the biggest obstacle to relationship issues: focusing on our own issues and imperfections and taking responsibility for our actions and words, instead of criticizing someone else or trying to fix/change them. Rather than automatically assuming the other person is just a bad friend or a bad spouse, or sibling, who needs to get their act together, stop and examine your own actions and what you can do better.  Instead of trying to make someone else better, or look for someone that is “the right one”, focus on becoming that person ourselves.
I’m only 32, but I feel like I’ve learned a few things over the years through my family relationships, friendships, marriage, and motherhood. It’s a struggle because it goes against my own selfish human nature, but loving others more than myself and treating them the way I want to be treated (especially when they least deserve it), has never steered me wrong. Honestly, it usually has a miraculous effect and can completely flip a bad situation to a good one.
I believe in trying to take a different approach in relationship conflicts, ‘go against the grain’ and reflect on what I did wrong or how I can improve, rather than doing the natural, impulsive reaction and focus on what they did wrong. I have to reconcile myself with God first, and then I can reconcile with that person. Maybe that act will set an example. Maybe if I improve on my struggles and shortcomings, maybe someone else will do the same. Maybe not, but at the very least, I’ve taken a bad situation and hopefully learned how to make myself a better person.
With the new year, I am excited to focus on positive changes to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, etc. What can I change in my life to stop being late all the time so I’m not so rushed and then so stressed and then so cranky all the time? More DISCIPLINE. Go to bed earlier so I can get up earlier and I’ll have more time to get my family ready. Prepare things the night before. Plan ahead. Sounds simple to some people, but I’ve struggled with self-discipline and saying no to unnecessary things my entire life. Say ‘no’ to hours of internet browsing so I can get more sleep, or wash an extra load of laundry, or have a conversation with my husband that isn’t bombarded with interruptions by 3 adorable, needy kids;).
How can I be a better wife? Don’t nag or criticize my husband (try really hard not to), and try to find little ways to serve him, like having a more organized house, run an extra errand or do an extra chore he usually has to do, put away my phone when we are having a conversation so I’m actually attentive, let him sleep in on Saturday while I get up with the kids….little things.
A better friend? Make time to call and talk to a friend I’m thinking of and have a real conversation, or set aside time to meet up for dinner or coffee.
How can I be a better person? Take care of myself. Sounds like this goes against the “put others first”, but what I mean is that if I don’t take care of myself, then my health physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually declines; and that overflows into my relationships and the lives of those I love most. I have to make sleep a priority (tired of hearing this?). I’m not talking about 8:30 bedtime, unless you need that for your circumstances (like a really early work schedule or a newborn that gets up 3 times a night), but being sensible – I sometimes look at real estate listings until midnight, that shouldn’t be a priority. And if I know I have to get up early to have some quiet reflection and prayer time, time to be prepared for the morning and not just reacting to the chaos of scrambling to get my kids dressed and fed before the morning commute, then surely I can set a boundary and go to bed at 10. I need to exercise so I will feel healthier and more confident physically and mentally. And hopefully set a healthy example for my kiddos.
I could go on, but I’ve rambled enough. As Andy Stanley puts it, “The healthier you are, the healthier your relationships will be.” Here’s to a healthier 2015!

**PS: I wanted to say that I realize, some relationships may be doomed to fail, and that is for our own well being.  Please don’t stay in a relationship that is harmful to you, or your family.