Posted on by CassieR22

A New Chapter Begins…

February something, 2012, my last day as a full-time working mom. It was full of tearful good-byes and a strange sense of dread for all of the uncertainties that lay before me. I felt lost without a job title, a paycheck, a commute, a work week that had a start and a finish, co-workers who made me laugh, drove me nuts, and became close friends. But I was so excited, so grateful, and in total awe that this was my real life: I get to stay home with my children?! Will I be a good stay-at-home mom? Can we survive on one income? Will I be able to recover my career after my children are older and I feel ready to re-enter the workforce?

I enthusiastically jumped in with crafts and all of these “new project ideas”, and I also picked up babysitting other littles to offset our income loss.

Ben and Ashtyn with homemade play dough

I was home and so were my babies: Ben was a few weeks shy of his 4th birthday, and Nolan was a sweet six months old.

Ben the first week staying home everyday with mama: working on Valentine’s Cards. 2012
Sweet six month old Nolan (cell phone pics in 2012 were quite grainy)

Two weeks in, I realized babysitters are not paid well enough at all, and in fact, I owed my former babysitter $20,000,000,000 for loving and caring for our most prized treasures while I escaped to the office with other adults. She was doing the hard work: changing diapers, all the diapers, all day. Warming up the breastmilk, feeding the baby food, rocking them, reading them stories, and laying them down for naps, wiping their faces and snotty noses, soothing their cries, and the list goes on and on. How did she do it? How do I do it? I had two three year olds, a six month old, and a newborn with medical needs….and I made less in one long exhausting day than I did in half a day at the office.

Through the years we had many adventures: in 2013 we welcomed our surprise baby girl, Addie. I had part-time contract work from my former employer (working from home with kids is not for the faint of heart). We had many field trips to the Zoo, Grant’s Farm, the Science Center, nearly every park in St. Louis County and City, the City Garden, the Magic House, Incredible Pizza, Powder Valley Nature Center, the Post Office, museums, skating rinks, bowling alleys, movie theaters, pumpkin patches, and so on. We homeschooled for two years (also while working part-time which I do not recommend – if you homeschool that is equal to 8 full-time jobs, no need to try and hustle anything on the side, give yourself some grace.) We bought our second home and moved in 2015, and our kids transitioned to public school in 2017. Two years of homeschooling in the midst of renovating a 50 year old house with toddlers and babies may have given Eddie and I a few extra grey hairs…

August 19, 2013: how can a heart be more full before it bursts?
In our “new” to us home: the inspiration for the blog name, our Trillium Transformation (notice all the unfinished work in the background)
Pumpkin patch field trips with our homeschool co-op were my favorite.
2017: first day of 4th for Ben and kindergarten for Nolan at their new school. Addie wishing she could go too.
What’s not to love about the Magic House? OK, so those smiles make the crowds and stress all worth it.

We have had loss and grief in the midst as well. Losing two brothers four years apart; caring for my husband’s aging parents as they battle Alzheimer’s, friends that have moved away, new diagnosis’ for our children that bring with them new challenges.

July 12, 2020, my last night before I start my first full-time job back in the corporate world. It comes as a bit of a surprise to me as I wasn’t planning to jump back in now – in the midst of a pandemic with a chance of more “virtual learning” for my three children. It’s hard to articulate exactly how it happened, but several months ago, I began to feel a stirring inside me that I wasn’t sure I would ever feel again. I felt a pull, a desire, a need to start working again outside of caring for my three growing children (soon to be 7th, 3rd, and 1st graders). About a month ago I received an inquiry from a former colleague about a job opening, was I interested? My first thought was, “doubtful…but I’ll take a look.” Turns out, I was very interested after I looked at the job description and realized it would be something new and slightly different, more challenging than my former part-time contract work. After some time to contemplate, pray, and discuss with my husband, I decided to apply. To my surprise and delight I was offered the job, and although I’ve had moments of apprehension and second-guessing, I’ve been reassured by the cheers, support and enthusiasm of my husband, my three kids, and my mom. My children are possibly more excited than anyone that I’m starting a new job, and they’re proud of me. That quiets the doubts.

I look back and truly feel like I just blinked: suddenly the struggles and tears, and the love and joy of the last 8 years happened overnight; as if I went to bed, had a good dream, and now I’m awake. I must acknowledge my grief for the end of this sweet season, for all my messy days and all the ways I failed; for all of the amazing ways I loved my children well, and for how quickly they’ve gone from my precious babies who need me for every moment of every day, to independent adolescents. I am so proud of them.

One of my favorite pictures from homeschooling: our dress up “etiquette party”.
Mother’s Day 2020

Tomorrow we’ll seize the day together and start our next chapter full of “firsts”, more messy days, and new adventures.

Posted on by CassieR22

Light and Lent

It’s been a hard week.  A lot of sickness combined with too little rest made for several major meltdowns, leaving me to question my sanity (yet again), my parenting, and my heart.  Yet, brokenness can lead to breakthroughs.
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As I sat down this evening to reflect on the first four days of Lent, I felt pretty broken.  A messy week of running on empty, I didn’t even know where to begin, or whether I had the energy.

Flipping through the pages of my journal, it was the glimmer of light peaking through the threads of fabric woven together over the last seven months that caught my eye.  Each piece represents a situation or circumstance that brought me here tonight. As I skimmed over the prayer requests, praises, scriptures, and events, it wasn’t the circumstances that stood out most, but the unexpected relief of hope, goodness, and blessings.  Unmistakable evidence of my Father’s finger prints found on every thread my tapestry consists of for this season of life.  And only He could open my eyes and soften my heart to see it.

So why is it so hard for me to live fully present in each moment and seize the gift of each new day?
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Over the next six and half weeks I hope my focus is completely transformed and fixed on full awareness that I am right where I’m supposed to be at exactly the right time for a reason; for a purpose that is good.  And that is all that actually matters.

As I unplug from the bombardment of sensory and information overload, may my heart and mind be quieted, and may my spirit be still.  May I know that He is GOD, He is in control.  He never abandons or forsakes me, no matter how hard I try to sabotage it all, no matter how easily distracted I am, He is constant, and He is GOOD.

Posted on by CassieR22

A 2015 Resolution: “Building a Better You to Build a Better Relationship”. A Take-away from Andy Stanley

I can’t remember the last New Years I anticipated so anxiously as 2015; except maybe 2008, when we were expecting the arrival of our first child, Ben. Perhaps it’s because I’m coming off the end of a very challenging year. A year that revolved around my journey of grief after losing my big brother, Seth. I am finally at a stage where I see beauty and feel joy, and most of the time it outweighs the gray and sorrow. I am ready to start LIVING life instead of just SURVIVING it.
I have been bouncing around a blog post idea to kick off 2015 and my resolutions. I have some very clear, intentional goals. It’s not just ‘losing xx number of pounds’, or learning a new hobby. Those goals are definitely on my horizon, but when I received this article in my inbox today, I realized, it sums up my goals quite well. Building a Better You to Build a Better Relationship

Last week I had a conversation with a friend about some of the ideas that are mentioned in Andy’s article. I haven’t read his book, and not saying I agree on all of his points (I think ‘date nights’ are a great idea, and really necessary to a healthy marriage because it prioritizes a designated time for just my husband and I to enjoy each other and have meaningful, uninterrupted time together), but his article articulates some really great points about the importance of maintaining relationships: friendship, marriage, parenthood, etc. And he also brings to light the biggest obstacle to relationship issues: focusing on our own issues and imperfections and taking responsibility for our actions and words, instead of criticizing someone else or trying to fix/change them. Rather than automatically assuming the other person is just a bad friend or a bad spouse, or sibling, who needs to get their act together, stop and examine your own actions and what you can do better.  Instead of trying to make someone else better, or look for someone that is “the right one”, focus on becoming that person ourselves.
I’m only 32, but I feel like I’ve learned a few things over the years through my family relationships, friendships, marriage, and motherhood. It’s a struggle because it goes against my own selfish human nature, but loving others more than myself and treating them the way I want to be treated (especially when they least deserve it), has never steered me wrong. Honestly, it usually has a miraculous effect and can completely flip a bad situation to a good one.
I believe in trying to take a different approach in relationship conflicts, ‘go against the grain’ and reflect on what I did wrong or how I can improve, rather than doing the natural, impulsive reaction and focus on what they did wrong. I have to reconcile myself with God first, and then I can reconcile with that person. Maybe that act will set an example. Maybe if I improve on my struggles and shortcomings, maybe someone else will do the same. Maybe not, but at the very least, I’ve taken a bad situation and hopefully learned how to make myself a better person.
With the new year, I am excited to focus on positive changes to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, etc. What can I change in my life to stop being late all the time so I’m not so rushed and then so stressed and then so cranky all the time? More DISCIPLINE. Go to bed earlier so I can get up earlier and I’ll have more time to get my family ready. Prepare things the night before. Plan ahead. Sounds simple to some people, but I’ve struggled with self-discipline and saying no to unnecessary things my entire life. Say ‘no’ to hours of internet browsing so I can get more sleep, or wash an extra load of laundry, or have a conversation with my husband that isn’t bombarded with interruptions by 3 adorable, needy kids;).
How can I be a better wife? Don’t nag or criticize my husband (try really hard not to), and try to find little ways to serve him, like having a more organized house, run an extra errand or do an extra chore he usually has to do, put away my phone when we are having a conversation so I’m actually attentive, let him sleep in on Saturday while I get up with the kids….little things.
A better friend? Make time to call and talk to a friend I’m thinking of and have a real conversation, or set aside time to meet up for dinner or coffee.
How can I be a better person? Take care of myself. Sounds like this goes against the “put others first”, but what I mean is that if I don’t take care of myself, then my health physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually declines; and that overflows into my relationships and the lives of those I love most. I have to make sleep a priority (tired of hearing this?). I’m not talking about 8:30 bedtime, unless you need that for your circumstances (like a really early work schedule or a newborn that gets up 3 times a night), but being sensible – I sometimes look at real estate listings until midnight, that shouldn’t be a priority. And if I know I have to get up early to have some quiet reflection and prayer time, time to be prepared for the morning and not just reacting to the chaos of scrambling to get my kids dressed and fed before the morning commute, then surely I can set a boundary and go to bed at 10. I need to exercise so I will feel healthier and more confident physically and mentally. And hopefully set a healthy example for my kiddos.
I could go on, but I’ve rambled enough. As Andy Stanley puts it, “The healthier you are, the healthier your relationships will be.” Here’s to a healthier 2015!

**PS: I wanted to say that I realize, some relationships may be doomed to fail, and that is for our own well being.  Please don’t stay in a relationship that is harmful to you, or your family.