Posted on by CassieR22

A Few Things Cancer Taught Me…So Far

While I appreciate the sentiment that I’ve been told, “it’s not your fault you got cancer, it just happens”, looking back there are certainly some changes I have made and will recommend to others who want to do all they can to prevent a cancer diagnosis. If I can’t look back and learn a few lessons of what I can do to better care for myself and share with others, then I feel pretty helpless, and no one likes to feel helpless.

SLEEP

If you know me well then you know that for years I would always say that one area of my health that needed improvement was sleep: getting more sleep, prioritizing sleep, creating and sticking to a bedtime routine, etc. I knew I needed better sleep and more of it, but for years I allowed myself to deprioritize it and my body suffered. When you become a parent it’s given that for a season you will not get a lot of sleep, but eventually, the baby learns to sleep through the night. Even before I became a mom though, I would stay up late and power through on 4-6 hours of sleep because I was cramming for a test, or out late watching a game, or staying up late binge watching a show, and eventually what became common was scrolling on my phone, reading blogs and articles, or just scrolling through a feed on social media. My body would ache in the mornings, but I would just pound caffeine and function on 4-5 hours of sleep, 6 at best. This went on for years, even when I was getting up at 4:30 AM for bootcamp workouts I was going to bed much later than I should have.

Our bodies need sleep to repair itself and restore certain functions, sleep is our body’s time reboot and it’s essential for optimal health. Once I received my cancer diagnosis I started to prioritize sleep and was in bed usually by 9:00-9:30; I was mentally and physically exhausted and I knew I needed sleep, suddenly I had no trouble shutting down distractions.

PLASTICS

More than 80% of breast cancers are estrogen receptor positive, meaning the cancer is fed by estrogen hormones. Did you know that microplastics are endocrine disruptors and our bodies process microplastics as a faux estrogen? Since my cancer battle, we have gotten rid of plastic food containers, cups, water bottles, and most of our cookware is stainless steel, cast iron, wooden, etc. Get rid of plastics or minimize them as much as possible.

EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL HEALTH

This is still a work in progress, but I have learned that grief, pain, and trauma effect our physical health as much as our mental and emotional health. There’s a book called “The Body Keeps the Score”, and when we carry our pain without fully processing and taking steps to heal it can have negative health impacts. Thankfully, Siteman Cancer Center offers their patients free mental health counseling for a period of time, and now I am in a survivorship support group. I’m also continuing to pursue counseling and therapy to address past traumas from my childhood and adulthood that had devastating impacts on my emotional health. I believe this is a very important piece of holistic health and healing.

EXERCISE AND NUTRITION

NINE servings of fruits and vegetables daily! Most of us hear 5 – 6, but through my cancer journey I have consulted with a holistic health practitioner and for optimal health we should aim for NINE servings of those nutrient dense plants! In addition, exercise/movement is critical. Thanks to a good neighbor/friend, I had accountability and encouragement to walk at least 4-5 days a week throughout my entire cancer journey, including chemo and after I recovered from surgery. I believe this was key to maintaining some energy, strength, and having a good response to treatment, not to mention the mental health benefits experienced when we get those “feel good endorphins” from exercise, fresh air, and nature. Sure it’s OK to order pizza every once in a while, but trying to do at least 80% of our meals at home with healthier ingredients and cooking methods keeps us on a good path. Check those food labels or use a free food scanning app, we like to use YUKA, and avoid highly processed, unnecessary ingredients.

STRESS

We can’t completely avoid it, but making decisions to mitigate unnecessary stress is very helpful. I do not need to try and do “all the things”: letting go of striving for a perfectly organized/clean house – I just strive for a level where we can function and be comfortable, not perfect. Work – I can’t control everything, I do my best and try to keep some healthy boundaries where needed. Parenting – letting go of trying to always be in control, trusting that they will be OK if we do our best and continue to encourage them to walk with Jesus, praying God will always be with them and they will know that He is with them…it’s not all up to Eddie and I, and thank God for that.

I am sure there is so much more I will continue to learn, but these are just a few of the things I would recommend we all incorporate to our best ability, not allowing it to create a stressful, legalistic mindset, but being thankful we CAN / get to do make these changes that will reap positive health benefits.

Posted on by CassieR22

Wide Awake

If God is so good, why does he allow bad things to happen? That’s the billion dollar question, and you will hear many different ideas. I wanted to share with everyone much sooner what this cancer battle has been like, but I will confess that throughout my journey this year I have kept my head down with a mission to “just get through it”. This is a blessing and a curse I’ve struggled with most of my life: I can get through hard things without too much of a pity party, but sometimes I want so badly to get through the hard stuff of life, that I often find myself trying to fast-forward through it to get to the “good stuff”, or I think “just wait, eventually, life will be easier and you can enjoy it.” Just typing that sentence I realize how ridiculous it sounds. Life is full of HARD STUFF. Each and every day we will face something hard. What I do not want to do is wish my life away, trying to “just get through” the day because it’s hard and I am so certain that after this hard thing, life will be easier.

“After I finish my degree and start my career, life will be easier… After I lose 10-20 lbs, life will be more enjoyable… After I get through this sleepless newborn season, life will get easier… After I get through chemotherapy and my hair starts to grow back, life will be normal again.” What a load of crap.

If there is one thing I hope to take away from this cancer battle and share with others, it’s this: wake up. Stop scrolling your life away, dazed and distracted. Don’t wish yourself through the hard stuff so badly that you can’t see the good that still surrounds you. “Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober.” ~ 1 Thes. 5:6

Life is right now, today. There are zero guarantees for anyone on tomorrow. Stop putting things off that you want to do, say, learn, love, enjoy, because you’re not satisfied with how you look, how you feel, what your house looks like, how much money you’ve saved up, etc. I realize there are some things that need to be achieved or obtained before we can do all that we’d like to, (like you should probably train before you try to run a marathon:), but please realize life can be good and beautiful and enjoyed right now. Life with cancer and going through treatments was no picnic, and I was not sunshine and rainbows every day; I cried big ugly sobbing cries, I screamed and yelled at God. I was irritable and tired a lot, I gained 25 friggin pounds and lost all my hair during treatment; I got frustrated and threw a scarf across my office because I looked like a pirate and needed to be on camera for a customer meeting (que short wig from my mom, thanks Mom). My point is, it’s OK to have all the emotions and I believe it is healthy and natural to process and release those emotions. I am still processing all that I’ve been through and I know my healing journey is truly just beginning. But if I stay fixated on the pain and the struggle, if I just keep my head down as I bull through the hard stuff, I will inevitably miss so much of the good stuff.

When I had to face one of my biggest fears, more than once this year, I could no longer avoid thinking about all the “what ifs”. What if I die from cancer, what will happen to my kids, who will be there to look after them, advocate for them, encourage them and love them the way they deserve to be loved? What moments in the future will I miss out on that I have dreamed about and prayed about for my children? I remember one day this summer, sitting in our house crying with a friend over the phone, and I said to her, “I am trying so hard to find the good in this, to understand the ‘purpose in the pain’, but I cannot do it. I cannot find good or a purpose in this. Why would God let this happen? If my kids have to grow up without one of their parents, I cannot see the good in it.” My friend paused for a moment and then she said, “Cassie, you don’t have to find purpose in this. It’s OK to not be OK with it. We do not always have to look for the good or purpose in everything.” I cried even harder as I released so much emotion, and after that moment, it was a little bit easier for me to process through my circumstances.

I cannot take credit for the following quote, it was one I came across, along with with many others that inspired me this year. Another mom was sharing an update on the reoccurrence of her thyroid cancer, and I will paraphrase what she wrote: “I believe that every single good thing in this life is a gift from God. And everything else is just life.” In other words, I will still praise God for all of the beautiful gifts He has given me in this life: my family, my husband, three healthy and amazing children, loving and supportive friends, a warm home to raise my children in, trips and vacations, moments snuggled up with my family watching a funny movie or binge watching with my daughter a sitcom about a teenager who battles cancer, comforting meals from friends and neighbors during treatments, new friendships and bonds I’ve made with other women also battling breast cancer. Every day I can look around and choose to see something beautiful and I can choose to be grateful for something small, but somedays I won’t be able to smile and say “I am so grateful for ____.” And that is OK because I am a human being, and this life we have is not perfect, and this world we live in is broken. Somedays I can scream and cheer, despite my circumstances, for 20 years of marriage celebrated during round 8 of chemo, my son getting his driver’s license (was terrifying but gave us a third driver in our home when we REALLY needed it), my other son who has had his own share of struggles coming in FIRST PLACE at a track meet in the 200 yard dash, my daughter asking my mom to help baptize her this year…

I have come to the conclusion that God is so good because He has gotten me through all of the hard, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days in my life, and I know that He always will. I may or may not get the ending I want, but God has shown me He will never leave me, or my loved ones. I do not have 100% control over whether or not I will always be there for my children, but I can 100% trust that God will be there, and He will provide love and support for my children every step of their lives. As I was composing an email to one of the kids’ teachers the day before my surgery, I wrote, “I will be unreachable that day, but my husband or my mom will be there.” I realized in that moment, someone will be there. It’s not the same as if it were me, but during those pivotal moments, God will put someone there so that they are not alone.

I grew up without my biological father after he passed away when I was 6 years old. I look back now and there was always someone there: teachers who would comfort me when I was sad, my high school softball coach cheering and congratulating me after my highest scoring basketball game (18 points! not too shabby), brothers to vet my new boyfriend, uncles and my stepdad on my wedding day, aunts who’ve always loved on me, my mom – one of my biggest supporters, my grandma always making sure my hairstyle was the best on picture day, my youth pastor counseling me through hard stuff during my adolescent years, my pastor and my best friend’s dad watching over me on mission trips in college, high school teachers who would pray with me, best friends who would cry with me, my FIL driving me to my first job interview in St. Louis, neighbors who walk with me, friends who went with me to chemo treatments…someone who loves me has always been there when I needed it. And I have a beautiful life with so much to be thankful for. I want to be awake and fully present for every moment.  “He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.” ~ Psalm 121:3-4

I cannot deny there are times when the pain is too much for me to process in the moment, so I may choose to distract or numb…kind of like icing a spot or asking for a nova cane shot before a big injection, that sometimes looked like me just sitting on the couch and reading a really good novel and ignoring life, and later, when I am ready and able, I will face those hard things. However, I do not want distraction and numbing to become the default reaction to life.

I have plenty of processing and reflecting to do in the coming year, but I must not stay downcast about the areas where I failed or messed up or the things that do not look perfect; I can acknowledge these experiences and ask myself, “what did I learn? What can I do better next time? What can I do right now that is good?” Or sometimes, maybe all I can say is, “I got through it.” And that is enough.

For all of the things 100% out of my control, I can acknowledge my fears, share it with someone I can confide in, and release it to my Savior who I know I can trust. We are guaranteed in this life that we will have suffering, it cannot be avoided, but we can control how we react to it, how we choose to frame it, and how we will live in response to it.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” ~ James 1:17

Posted on by CassieR22 · 5 Comments

Out of the Ashes – Part II

Hope and Healing, Comfort and Restoration after the Loss of a Loved One

“Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  ‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’ Matthew 14:29-31

IMG_20141104_132636-1
This worn out picture is one my brother had hanging in his room. The power and the beauty of this imagery never resonated in my heart and mind until this week.

Fixing My Thoughts.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8

A year after losing my big brother to a hard fought battle with mental illness, I am thankful for the light that continues to grow brighter each day.  My journey through grief is not over.  I will always bear a scar in this life.  His death is a part of me now and will be with me wherever I go.  His absence is a void I will always feel.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  ~ Psalms 147:3

Throughout this journey, my faith has grown stronger.  Through my weakest moments, I was never more aware of my need for Jesus.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Jesus Christ is central, core to my existence.  He is the anchor for my soul.  Never before have I been more acutely aware of my need for His grace, and at the same time, more grateful for the hope and the promise that lies in Heaven.  Heaven makes all the difference.  If it wasn’t for Heaven, this earthly sorrow would be unbearable.  But as the song goes, “Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.”

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~Revelations 21:4

I have realized, that although I didn’t always love my brother perfectly (and the truth is, no one loves perfectly, except for Jesus Christ), I loved him well.  And although I could have done more to help him sometimes, I am not the one with the power to save a person.  Only Jesus has the power to save, and Seth trusted his soul to the only one with that power.

One of my favorite quotes and mottoes in life is, “We have no control over our circumstances.  We do, however, have control over how we react to our circumstances.”  If I choose to dwell on all of the things I did wrong, if I choose to dwell on the pain and suffering Seth endured, if I dwell on his absence too long, I become downcast.  It begins to consume and overwhelm me.  But, if I fix my eyes on the truth that our separation is only temporary, on the truth, that in just a little while, I will see my big brother again, I will see his shining face, feel his embrace, kiss his face, hear him laugh, then I can start to heal.  I can smile, I can remember all of the good memories I had with Seth, and I can move forward with the life I still have.

Looking back, and even now, I am aware that God never abandoned me.  Through it all, as dark as it got, I was never completely over taken.  I have been poured out to through my patient and loving husband, through my innocent and beautiful children, through my amazing and supportive family, through my encouraging church family, through my pastors, through music, through my faithful and devoted friends, through God’s beautiful creation in nature, and through His living and active Word.  Jesus reached down, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of the deep sea.  He carried me back to the boat, calmed the winds and the waves, and planted me firmly on the shore.  It’s a different shore than where I was a year ago, but I know He has more in store for me.  If you are alive, God has a purpose for you.  All you have to do is respond to His offering.  When you call to Him, He answers.  Not always how you anticipate or want Him to, but He is faithful.  Always.

Life is certainly full of mystery, and one of the greatest questions we have all asked or heard is,  “If God is real and so ‘good’, then why does He allow bad things to happen?”  I do not have a perfect answer for that question.  But there are some certainties that I know are true:

1) Jesus told us in this life we will have troubles.  Yes, he actually warned us that life would not be easy.  Thankfully, he also reminded us that He has overcome the world.  He defeated death!  And in just a little while, He will return.  He will restore all that has been broken.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have suffering. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33

2) God does not ‘will’ bad things to happen to His children.  Think about it.  If you are a parent, or a teacher, or aunt, uncle, etc., would you ‘will’ anything bad or horrible to happen to your children?  Of course not!  God loves us more than we can fathom.  Jesus warned us again, that it is the enemy who comes to “steal, kill and destroy.”  He came to give us life.  He came to save us and redeem us.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  ~ John 10:10

3) After Satan has dropped a bomb on us, and things seem hopelessly obliterated, God is faithful to come in and restore things.  He will clean up the mess and bring beauty from the ashes.  He didn’t say, all things will be good all of the time.  He said He will work things out for the good for us, meaning, when a horrible tragedy strikes, that is not the end of story.  God will get the last word, and He will have the victory.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

I will never understand all of the horrible suffering and evil that happens in this life, but I take heart in knowing someday, I will.  When I am reunited with Jesus, and my loved ones in Heaven, all things will be revealed.  And I will not question, I will not say, “No, God, you were wrong that time.”  Until then, I pray for the strength and the clarity to take possession of all that Jesus has grabbed a hold of and laid out before me.  I have realized, “I have not been cheated, I have been chosen for such a time as  this.”  I am right where I am supposed to be for a reason.  And, Christine Cain reminded me, “If you live long enough, death is inevitable.  Life is the only thing we won’t get out of.  We shouldn’t fear death.  We should fear not living the life we are called to live.”

This is how I see my big brother now. A beautiful imagery created by my talented cousin, Ryan Williams.
This is how I see my big brother now. A beautiful imagery created by my talented cousin, Ryan Williams.

Posted on by CassieR22 · 4 Comments

A Good Friday Reflection: Why this Easter is More Meaningful than Ever Before

April 18, 2014.  Five months and thirteen days since my big brother, Seth, departed this life.  Until now, I’ve found it too painful to write.  Until now, I wasn’t sure what I should or should not share.  Now though, I am convinced the time has come for me to break silence and let the world around me know how abundantly I have received grace, truth, comfort, peace, hope, and healing.  I want the healing and comfort I’ve been given to bubble up and spill over into the hearts and minds of those around me.  To my loved ones still hurting, and to anyone else facing a dark, painful event or season of life.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”  2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Easter has and will continue to be the most significant holiday to my family and I.  It’s more than a big family dinner, dyed eggs, chocolate bunnies, and yellow peeps.  All these things are fun and bring us enjoyment, along with watching the kids run around the farm filling their baskets with goodies, hunting for the next treasure with pure bliss shining on their faces.  Yet sometimes, these events can distract us from the sole reason we have this special day to celebrate.  But not this year.  This Sunday, I will be rejoicing in the victory we have been given from the One who’s love knows no bounds.

On November 5, 2013, my life was shattered and my heart broken.  As soon as I learned my big brother was gone from this life on earth, I fell to my knees and cried out to God.  It didn’t seem real, it had to be a nightmare; and some days it still feels that way.  My heart cry to God was this, “God, please, give me confirmation Seth is with you!  Nothing else matters, nothing else can give me comfort.  Please, God, you have to give me the comfort of knowing I will see him again!”  You see, my faith is weak in that I needed and wanted continued reassurance, a solid confirmation, that Seth was not dead.  I knew I would never hear his voice on the phone again, I would never again get to hear him laugh as I gave him the latest update on his ornery nephews and niece, and it was just too much to bear.  I wanted God to tell me or show me that Seth is alive now more than ever because Seth is now living with him, in his permanent home.  That very day, I received from a dear friend, two of the most encouraging scriptures I’ve ever read.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:37-39

“I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.” John 10:28-29

These powerful, beautiful truths gave me immediate peace.  But the next few months were still dark and grey.

The journey of grieving a loved one is long, hard, sometimes dark and lonely, and no one can walk it for you.  Thankfully, my Father has carried me when I was too weak to walk.  He has pulled my mind from the dreary mud and planted the peace of knowing this separation is only temporary.  Though Seth’s physical body is gone, his soul is very ALIVE.  Satan cannot take his soul because Seth made the decision to give himself to the only One who has the power to save or destroy his soul.   One day, we will join him again and the sorrows and evil that plagued his life and ours in this world won’t be there.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever.” Revelations 21:4

About a month ago, I had dream.  I was surrounded by family: my husband, mom, little brother, our children, etc.  Then out of no where, Seth appeared.  Everyone else faded into the background, though they were still with us, and Seth and I embraced in the biggest bear hug.  I was sobbing and through tears told him, “we’ve missed you so much!”  Seth answered, “I know, and I’ll be coming back real soon.”

“Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.  They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy.  Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.” Isaiah 51:11

I continue to cry out to God, and continue to receive the most amazing comfort and encouragement from my supportive husband,  caring friends, family members, counselors, pastors, God’s Word, my six year old’s drawings and memories of “uncle Seff”, emails, texts, blogs, a sermon series at church ABOUT HEAVEN, messages about healing and hope for the broken-hearted, songs, and the list goes on. There are still plenty of difficult moments ahead, more tears to shed for certain.   Thankfully, God has been pouring out to me abundantly, faithful as ever, mending my broken heart, each word or image another stitch.  The hole is being repaired, but the scar will remain until the day I arrive to my eternal home, reunited with my brother, father, grandmother and other loved ones.  The home where Seth is now resting safe in the arms of our Savior.

This Easter, I am more grateful because never before have I been more aware and in need of the hope I have through God’s abundant gift of grace.  How beautiful and overwhelming is His love. This is how love wins.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:16-17

If you have never accepted God’s amazing gift, I urge you to reconsider.  Honestly, if you’re unsure, if you cannot fathom how this kind of love is possible, why not give it a try?  What do you have to lose?  There is nothing I am more certain of in my life than the gift of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ, and I know someday, not so far off, I will be called home to be with him for eternity.  For the skeptic, I would much rather hold on to my faith in Christ now and risk being wrong in this life, because all I have to lose is finding that when it ends that was it.  Better that than to assume you are right and deny this precious gift, only to arrive at the gates and discover you were wrong.

“My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-4

Above all else, this Easter I will rejoice because my debt has been bought and paid for.  My life has been ransomed and restored.  I will celebrate the truth that my Savior has conquered death, and He is alive.

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb,  but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.  While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them.  In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?  He is not here; he has risen!  Luke 24:1-6