Posted on by CassieR22

Light and Lent

It’s been a hard week.  A lot of sickness combined with too little rest made for several major meltdowns, leaving me to question my sanity (yet again), my parenting, and my heart.  Yet, brokenness can lead to breakthroughs.
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As I sat down this evening to reflect on the first four days of Lent, I felt pretty broken.  A messy week of running on empty, I didn’t even know where to begin, or whether I had the energy.

Flipping through the pages of my journal, it was the glimmer of light peaking through the threads of fabric woven together over the last seven months that caught my eye.  Each piece represents a situation or circumstance that brought me here tonight. As I skimmed over the prayer requests, praises, scriptures, and events, it wasn’t the circumstances that stood out most, but the unexpected relief of hope, goodness, and blessings.  Unmistakable evidence of my Father’s finger prints found on every thread my tapestry consists of for this season of life.  And only He could open my eyes and soften my heart to see it.

So why is it so hard for me to live fully present in each moment and seize the gift of each new day?
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Over the next six and half weeks I hope my focus is completely transformed and fixed on full awareness that I am right where I’m supposed to be at exactly the right time for a reason; for a purpose that is good.  And that is all that actually matters.

As I unplug from the bombardment of sensory and information overload, may my heart and mind be quieted, and may my spirit be still.  May I know that He is GOD, He is in control.  He never abandons or forsakes me, no matter how hard I try to sabotage it all, no matter how easily distracted I am, He is constant, and He is GOOD.

Posted on by CassieR22 · 1 Comment

For All the Parents Who Think They’re Doing it Wrong

I don’t particularly love Mondays.  For some reason, I seem to stumble through them, as if expecting one more day in the weekend to prepare for the week ahead, but lost it.
Thus, I’m not surprised when I have an especially ‘hard’ Monday, and today was no exception.

First, it might be helpful to know a brief background of my motherhood credentials.  I am blessed with three amazing and beautiful children:
Ben(7), my insightful and ‘too smart for his own good’ second grader; Nolan(4), my loving, temperamental preschooler; and Adelynn(2), my spunky and sassy toddler.
I am very fortunate to stay home with my three children during this precious season of life.  I worked full-time outside the home until Ben was four and Nolan was six months.  Immediately after I left my corporate job, I worked part-time from home.  And for the last two years, I have focused solely on raising  my three children.

Currently, we are journeying through our first year of homeschooling while trying to complete the refinishing of our new-to-us (1967) home.  These two elements alone may qualify me for a mental health evaluation.

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So today during another challenging Monday, as I was charging full speed down the road of feeling like a huge mom fail once again, I just stopped.  I stopped the negative self-talk, along with the comparison game of never measuring up in any way, and I remembered.

Call it a revelation, insight, or a gift, but I know last Tuesday my eyes were opened by the One who knew I needed to turn my downcast gaze from my issues and self-loathing, and observe the struggles of those around me.  If only it wasn’t so difficult to change the perspective lens at any moment in life; yet during a struggle it feels especially hard.

On this particular day, while I was feeling like a candidate for ‘Bad Mom of the Year Award’, I crossed paths with two exceptional women who were feeling defeated in motherhood as well.  What’s so ironic is that the three of us share some similar qualities and struggles; but we also have our own unique circumstances.

You know my background, so here’s the story of my ‘mom fail’ day.  My two little ones both had their Well Check-Ups with our pediatrician in the late afternoon.   Apparently, when I scheduled the appointments several months ago, I thought right at the very end of nap-time was a good appointment selection.  Of course, per Murphy’s Law, my normally good nappers put up a rare and long fought battle.  I finally gave up on my two year old and let her ‘cry it out’ in her crib so I could at least shower in hopes I wouldn’t look the way I felt (scary mom).  If you have ever had a doctor’s appointment, you know it’s best to avoid the afternoon because inevitably the appointments are always running behind and you are guaranteed a longer wait.  After we arrived and were settled in our room, a nurse came in and asked if I had brought the completed paperwork.  What paperwork?

“Ugh, OK.  Well this is going to take you a while so you better get started.”

I tried to explain we had moved recently, and our mail had been forwarded, etc., but she could have cared less, thrilled, actually.

So just imagine: distracted mom frantically filling out ridiculous piles of paperwork for two kids, a small room, an agitated nurse, three little ones, and a long wait.  Naturally, by the time our doctor arrived mayhem had already ensued.
I should pause to mention, I love our pediatrician.  She is a wonderful, caring, sincere, intelligent doctor, and a mom herself.  But by the time I left the office I felt like I had just finished running twenty-five flights of stairs with a 50 pound pack of weights, at a rave… naked.  Sweaty, exhausted, disoriented, confused, and humiliated.
“I promise my kids know how to listen…to their dad, anyway.”
“I realize we live in a good district, and yet, we are homeschooling.”
“No, I’m not potty training my two year old or taking her out of her crib yet.” (I didn’t even mention she still takes a pacifier!)
“No, I don’t think we need therapy…yet.”

Did I mention I was supposed to pick up my friend’s four year old from preschool at 4 and it was now 4:15?  Ugh.

Thankfully, the pickup went much better than the doctor’s appointment.  I then looked down to see several texts from his mom who was on a plane from a business meeting, and the flight had been delayed multiple times.  Her arrival time had now been pushed more than two hours beyond what she anticipated.  She felt horrible.  She called herself a bad mom, and confessed to feeling guilty and being on the verge of tears that she couldn’t be there to pick up her preschooler.  I reassured her that he was doing great, which he was, having a blast playing with my three kids, and he seemed happy as ever.  I also reassured her she is an amazing mother that sacrifices a lot and works tirelessly to provide a very good life for her little guy.  Did I mention she is also a divorced, single mom to boot?  Her job is hard and she executes it gracefully with strength, dignity, and an abundance of unconditional love.  He’s blessed to have such a mom, and I believe he knows it.

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Later that night, after a day of near breakdown for feeling like I was labeled a bad mom, for losing my patience with my children, and all of the other fails, I sat down next to another mom in my small group.  During our prayer request time she shared how she was really struggling trying to balance a career, motherhood of two, and being a wife, along with her other responsibilities.  The demands of work plus preparation to get her children out the door, provide their meals, baths, clothing them, etc., were so consuming that she was feeling hopeless and guilty that she hasn’t been fully present during the few hours she has with her little ones in the evenings.  I sighed.  I had no real solution for her.  I’m barely keeping my own head above the waves most days.  Then, one of our wiser friends, who has raised four children and now has grandchildren, spoke up.  She reminded both of us, “It is hard, but it is only a season.”

It is only a season.  It is only a season my eyes will be bloodshot from lack of sleep and old contacts.  It is only a season I will have filthy floors and mountains of laundry because the only time I have to do them is in the middle of the night, and I usually choose sleep.  It is only a season I will chase my kids off the doctor’s seat and away from the light switch.  It is only a season I will walk through wet, sticky piles of who-knows-what throughout the day.  It is only a season I will fall asleep, exhausted, while rocking my two year old before her nap and bedtime.  It is only a season that my four year old will ask me to lay down and snuggle with him for just five more minutes.  It is only a season my seven year old will ask me to build Legos with him.

In a world of social media, where comparison of highlight reels is usually all we see, it can be easy to think “I’m the worst mom ever.  I’m doing this all wrong.  My children deserve better.”  And also, “She has it so much better.  Her job is easier than mine.  She has no idea how lucky she is.”

PLEASE. STOP .IT.   Parents, let’s spend more time laughing and smiling with our kids, in the midst of the chaos.  Moms, try to embrace the messy house, you actually have an excuse now, or several.  Women, let’s be real and transparent with one another, let’s share our struggles as much as our joys, and let’s start encouraging each other instead of competing with one another.  It is only a season.  There will be other seasons with new struggles and new joys.

Maybe all of that sounds too hard, but at the very least, if we all could learn to “hold ourselves to a standard of grace, not perfection” (Christine Caine), we might naturally smile more, embrace the beauty that surrounds us, and extend that grace to others.

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Posted on by CassieR22

So, How’s that New Year’s Resolution Working out for You?

September 23, 2015.  The first day of my favorite season: Pumpkin Everything, also known as Fall.  I cannot believe it has been nine months since my last update.  Wait.  Who am I kidding?!  I excel at irregular blogging, which needs to change.  Enough said.

In January, I wrote a reflective review of Andy Stanley’s “Building a Better You to Build a Better Relationship.”  I had really high expectations, as usual, that this year would be different and I’d finally learn the discipline of consistency.   Consistent at rising early, consistent at exercising, consistent at writing, consistent at being patient and gentle with my children, you get the idea.

So, how have I done so far?  Honestly, a lot of variability.  Since my blog is dedicated to redemption through grace, which by the way, if we don’t receive it we cannot extend it, to ourselves or each other, I’m going to reach for a big heaping helping of grace.

In March, our family of five sold our first house which we had called home for a decade.  A lot of hustling and bustling to declutter and pack, and when it sold within the first two weeks, the scrambling continued to find a new house.  With three kids in tow, a ‘should-be-fun’ adventure was mostly stressful and rushed.  When we were less than three weeks from closing and still without a house, things started looking hopeless.

Thankfully, we found THE house in early May, but couldn’t close until two weeks after we had to be out of our old home.  Through the loving grace of friends and family, we managed to find temporary housing and storage, as wild as it seemed, and we closed on our new house May 29.  That’s when the fun REALLY ramped up.

We found a house that had everything we wanted and MORE, but it was a true ‘diamond in the rough’.  Eddie and I both stared straight through the smoke stained ceilings and ’67 decor, and knew we could make it a gem.  Of course, we both tend to overestimate our abilities and underestimate money and time.

At moments the renovation process has been so staggering and mundane  (2,860+ square feet of priming and painting, and that was just my task), that we find ourselves overwhelmed, to say the least.  However, when we step back and look at how much we have accomplished in three months with three little ones to boot, and we remind ourselves of what a blessing this house is/will be for our family, we know it was the right choice, and soon, our house will feel like home.

What does all of this have to do with my New Year’s resolution?  I now realize if I wait for the perfect weather to make my goals a reality, I may never experience the life I want, the life I know is available for the taking.  I have to accept the reality that life is hard, and change requires effort, and good things require work.  What am I waiting for? What are you waiting for?  GO!

Posted on by CassieR22

A 2015 Resolution: “Building a Better You to Build a Better Relationship”. A Take-away from Andy Stanley

I can’t remember the last New Years I anticipated so anxiously as 2015; except maybe 2008, when we were expecting the arrival of our first child, Ben. Perhaps it’s because I’m coming off the end of a very challenging year. A year that revolved around my journey of grief after losing my big brother, Seth. I am finally at a stage where I see beauty and feel joy, and most of the time it outweighs the gray and sorrow. I am ready to start LIVING life instead of just SURVIVING it.
I have been bouncing around a blog post idea to kick off 2015 and my resolutions. I have some very clear, intentional goals. It’s not just ‘losing xx number of pounds’, or learning a new hobby. Those goals are definitely on my horizon, but when I received this article in my inbox today, I realized, it sums up my goals quite well. Building a Better You to Build a Better Relationship

Last week I had a conversation with a friend about some of the ideas that are mentioned in Andy’s article. I haven’t read his book, and not saying I agree on all of his points (I think ‘date nights’ are a great idea, and really necessary to a healthy marriage because it prioritizes a designated time for just my husband and I to enjoy each other and have meaningful, uninterrupted time together), but his article articulates some really great points about the importance of maintaining relationships: friendship, marriage, parenthood, etc. And he also brings to light the biggest obstacle to relationship issues: focusing on our own issues and imperfections and taking responsibility for our actions and words, instead of criticizing someone else or trying to fix/change them. Rather than automatically assuming the other person is just a bad friend or a bad spouse, or sibling, who needs to get their act together, stop and examine your own actions and what you can do better.  Instead of trying to make someone else better, or look for someone that is “the right one”, focus on becoming that person ourselves.
I’m only 32, but I feel like I’ve learned a few things over the years through my family relationships, friendships, marriage, and motherhood. It’s a struggle because it goes against my own selfish human nature, but loving others more than myself and treating them the way I want to be treated (especially when they least deserve it), has never steered me wrong. Honestly, it usually has a miraculous effect and can completely flip a bad situation to a good one.
I believe in trying to take a different approach in relationship conflicts, ‘go against the grain’ and reflect on what I did wrong or how I can improve, rather than doing the natural, impulsive reaction and focus on what they did wrong. I have to reconcile myself with God first, and then I can reconcile with that person. Maybe that act will set an example. Maybe if I improve on my struggles and shortcomings, maybe someone else will do the same. Maybe not, but at the very least, I’ve taken a bad situation and hopefully learned how to make myself a better person.
With the new year, I am excited to focus on positive changes to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, etc. What can I change in my life to stop being late all the time so I’m not so rushed and then so stressed and then so cranky all the time? More DISCIPLINE. Go to bed earlier so I can get up earlier and I’ll have more time to get my family ready. Prepare things the night before. Plan ahead. Sounds simple to some people, but I’ve struggled with self-discipline and saying no to unnecessary things my entire life. Say ‘no’ to hours of internet browsing so I can get more sleep, or wash an extra load of laundry, or have a conversation with my husband that isn’t bombarded with interruptions by 3 adorable, needy kids;).
How can I be a better wife? Don’t nag or criticize my husband (try really hard not to), and try to find little ways to serve him, like having a more organized house, run an extra errand or do an extra chore he usually has to do, put away my phone when we are having a conversation so I’m actually attentive, let him sleep in on Saturday while I get up with the kids….little things.
A better friend? Make time to call and talk to a friend I’m thinking of and have a real conversation, or set aside time to meet up for dinner or coffee.
How can I be a better person? Take care of myself. Sounds like this goes against the “put others first”, but what I mean is that if I don’t take care of myself, then my health physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually declines; and that overflows into my relationships and the lives of those I love most. I have to make sleep a priority (tired of hearing this?). I’m not talking about 8:30 bedtime, unless you need that for your circumstances (like a really early work schedule or a newborn that gets up 3 times a night), but being sensible – I sometimes look at real estate listings until midnight, that shouldn’t be a priority. And if I know I have to get up early to have some quiet reflection and prayer time, time to be prepared for the morning and not just reacting to the chaos of scrambling to get my kids dressed and fed before the morning commute, then surely I can set a boundary and go to bed at 10. I need to exercise so I will feel healthier and more confident physically and mentally. And hopefully set a healthy example for my kiddos.
I could go on, but I’ve rambled enough. As Andy Stanley puts it, “The healthier you are, the healthier your relationships will be.” Here’s to a healthier 2015!

**PS: I wanted to say that I realize, some relationships may be doomed to fail, and that is for our own well being.  Please don’t stay in a relationship that is harmful to you, or your family.

Posted on by CassieR22 · 5 Comments

Out of the Ashes – Part II

Hope and Healing, Comfort and Restoration after the Loss of a Loved One

“Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  ‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’ Matthew 14:29-31

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This worn out picture is one my brother had hanging in his room. The power and the beauty of this imagery never resonated in my heart and mind until this week.

Fixing My Thoughts.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8

A year after losing my big brother to a hard fought battle with mental illness, I am thankful for the light that continues to grow brighter each day.  My journey through grief is not over.  I will always bear a scar in this life.  His death is a part of me now and will be with me wherever I go.  His absence is a void I will always feel.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  ~ Psalms 147:3

Throughout this journey, my faith has grown stronger.  Through my weakest moments, I was never more aware of my need for Jesus.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Jesus Christ is central, core to my existence.  He is the anchor for my soul.  Never before have I been more acutely aware of my need for His grace, and at the same time, more grateful for the hope and the promise that lies in Heaven.  Heaven makes all the difference.  If it wasn’t for Heaven, this earthly sorrow would be unbearable.  But as the song goes, “Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.”

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~Revelations 21:4

I have realized, that although I didn’t always love my brother perfectly (and the truth is, no one loves perfectly, except for Jesus Christ), I loved him well.  And although I could have done more to help him sometimes, I am not the one with the power to save a person.  Only Jesus has the power to save, and Seth trusted his soul to the only one with that power.

One of my favorite quotes and mottoes in life is, “We have no control over our circumstances.  We do, however, have control over how we react to our circumstances.”  If I choose to dwell on all of the things I did wrong, if I choose to dwell on the pain and suffering Seth endured, if I dwell on his absence too long, I become downcast.  It begins to consume and overwhelm me.  But, if I fix my eyes on the truth that our separation is only temporary, on the truth, that in just a little while, I will see my big brother again, I will see his shining face, feel his embrace, kiss his face, hear him laugh, then I can start to heal.  I can smile, I can remember all of the good memories I had with Seth, and I can move forward with the life I still have.

Looking back, and even now, I am aware that God never abandoned me.  Through it all, as dark as it got, I was never completely over taken.  I have been poured out to through my patient and loving husband, through my innocent and beautiful children, through my amazing and supportive family, through my encouraging church family, through my pastors, through music, through my faithful and devoted friends, through God’s beautiful creation in nature, and through His living and active Word.  Jesus reached down, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of the deep sea.  He carried me back to the boat, calmed the winds and the waves, and planted me firmly on the shore.  It’s a different shore than where I was a year ago, but I know He has more in store for me.  If you are alive, God has a purpose for you.  All you have to do is respond to His offering.  When you call to Him, He answers.  Not always how you anticipate or want Him to, but He is faithful.  Always.

Life is certainly full of mystery, and one of the greatest questions we have all asked or heard is,  “If God is real and so ‘good’, then why does He allow bad things to happen?”  I do not have a perfect answer for that question.  But there are some certainties that I know are true:

1) Jesus told us in this life we will have troubles.  Yes, he actually warned us that life would not be easy.  Thankfully, he also reminded us that He has overcome the world.  He defeated death!  And in just a little while, He will return.  He will restore all that has been broken.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have suffering. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33

2) God does not ‘will’ bad things to happen to His children.  Think about it.  If you are a parent, or a teacher, or aunt, uncle, etc., would you ‘will’ anything bad or horrible to happen to your children?  Of course not!  God loves us more than we can fathom.  Jesus warned us again, that it is the enemy who comes to “steal, kill and destroy.”  He came to give us life.  He came to save us and redeem us.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  ~ John 10:10

3) After Satan has dropped a bomb on us, and things seem hopelessly obliterated, God is faithful to come in and restore things.  He will clean up the mess and bring beauty from the ashes.  He didn’t say, all things will be good all of the time.  He said He will work things out for the good for us, meaning, when a horrible tragedy strikes, that is not the end of story.  God will get the last word, and He will have the victory.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

I will never understand all of the horrible suffering and evil that happens in this life, but I take heart in knowing someday, I will.  When I am reunited with Jesus, and my loved ones in Heaven, all things will be revealed.  And I will not question, I will not say, “No, God, you were wrong that time.”  Until then, I pray for the strength and the clarity to take possession of all that Jesus has grabbed a hold of and laid out before me.  I have realized, “I have not been cheated, I have been chosen for such a time as  this.”  I am right where I am supposed to be for a reason.  And, Christine Cain reminded me, “If you live long enough, death is inevitable.  Life is the only thing we won’t get out of.  We shouldn’t fear death.  We should fear not living the life we are called to live.”

This is how I see my big brother now. A beautiful imagery created by my talented cousin, Ryan Williams.
This is how I see my big brother now. A beautiful imagery created by my talented cousin, Ryan Williams.

Posted on by CassieR22 · 2 Comments

Out of the Ashes – Part I

A 12 Month Journey of Suicide Survival, Grief, Motherhood, Warfare, and Grace

Today, November 4, 2014, marks an anniversary I’ve been dreading.  The day before we had rushed around, scrambling as a family of five to get to church and then a soccer game for our five year old.  As we scrambled to load strollers, diaper bags, a toddler, newborn, our five year old, and get out of the door ‘on time’, my phone rang.  It wasn’t a convenient time for a casual phone conversation.  It was my big brother, Seth.  He asked if we’d been to church that day, trying to sound chipper.

“Yes,” came my defensive rebuttal.  “Did YOU go to church today?”

“No” was his usual reply.

“Well, I have to go, we’re trying to get Ben to his soccer game.  I’ll call you later.”

That night I felt convicted that I had rushed too much and was too short with Seth on the phone.  I knew he was struggling right now because he was unemployed, searching for a job, beginning to feel overwhelmed about bills and money, and things sometimes looked hopeless.  And of course, on top of it all, he battled with mental illness.  I sent him a text apologizing and told him I would call him tomorrow.  His response was “OK”.   Before bed, I decided to put together a care package for him that would hopefully cheer him up, make him feel loved and cared for.  I gathered some food items to make tacos, Seth loved tacos.  We were always sharing recipe techniques with each other during our evening phone calls.  He usually had  a new tip that would make it better.  I also threw in some Halloween candy, a picture Ben colored for him, and a book I had been discussing with him.  This book had a major impact on my my spiritual life and general outlook, and I was hoping it would help him as well.  It was about spiritual warfare.

The next morning, I dropped Ben off at school, stopped by the post office with Nolan and Addie, and mailed Seth’s package.  I texted him right after to let him know he should expect a package from me by Wednesday.  “OK” was his only response.

That afternoon, after finally getting my two year old down for a nap, and then nursing Addie to sleep, I sat on the couch debating whether I should try to lay her down, or just hold her while she slept.  I was exhausted and could use a break, but I didn’t want to risk waking her.  Then, my phone rang.  Crap, don’t wake the baby!  I looked down at my phone and it was Seth, so I decided to answer.  He sounded really low.  I asked if he had gone out that morning to drop off an application where his friend, Tim, worked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, did you talk to Tim while you were there?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“He wasn’t there.”

“Oh.  Well, try to remember to follow up with him.  Give him a call or text him so he knows you were there.”

“OK.”

I was worried that if I wasn’t persistent, he might not follow through.  A few minutes of silence passed and I was getting impatient.  Why did he call if he had nothing to say?  “So, what else did you do today?”  I was hoping to get some conversation going.

“Nothing.”

More silence.  “Is Eddie coming down to hunt this weekend?”

I was getting tired of being the middle man.  “I don’t know.  He wasn’t going to, but now he says he wants to.  You should call him tonight and talk to him about it.”

“OK.”  A few more minutes of silence.

“Well, I guess I’ll let you go.”  I was ready to get off the phone, I was busy and getting agitated.

“OK.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

I had no idea, that would be the very last earthly conversation I would have with my big brother.  I had no idea that was the last time I would hear his voice in this life.  I had no idea I was the last person he would call.

That night after the kids were in bed, I tried to call Seth.  No answer.  I tried to push aside the familiar fearful thoughts that something could be wrong.  I’ll talk to him tomorrow, he’s probably already in bed.

The next morning, Tuesday, November 5, I was busy with the same old stuff.  Nolan was in his high chair eating breakfast, Ben was at school, and I was changing Addie.  Eddie called me around 9 – 9:30 AM.  “Are you at home right now?”

“Yeah, why?”

He paused.  “Have you talked to your Mom this morning?”

Why would…wait, “No, why?  Is something WRONG?!  Did something bad happen?!”  My mind started racing as fast as my heart, I started to think something happened to Ben at school, but that didn’t make sense…Seth.  “DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO SETH?  IS HE OK?”

Eddie started sobbing.  “I’m on my way home.”

I knew.  He wanted to tell me in person, but I begged him to tell me Seth wasn’t dead. When he said yes, I could not believe it.  This is a nightmare and I have to wake up, right now.  I dropped the phone.  I fell on my knees and screamed.  I cried out to God, “NO!  Why did you let this happen?!  You were supposed to protect him!”  I tore my shirt off and started punching the door, and then I fell back on the floor.  I suddenly realized my babies were crying and I had to try and pull it together.

My mom was worried after Seth hadn’t answered his phone so she drove over to his house to check on him, and that is when she found him.  My big brother, had lost his battle with a horrible, painful, disease.  In the same way our father had lost the battle 25 years earlier.

The hours, days, weeks, and months to follow were like climbing the longest, darkest, and sometimes loneliest mountain I’ve ever climbed.  Many days, I would become paralyzed by grief and guilt.  After experiencing the most traumatic loss of my existence, I naively thought, “Surely this is it.  I can’t handle anymore, so God won’t allow me to endure anymore suffering.  I’ll crumble otherwise.  And surely, the enemy is convinced I’m down for the count, and he’ll leave me alone.”  However, the storms raged on.  Addie battled one illness after another, with three ER trips, one hospitalization, and one surgery, plus countless doctor’s visits.  My life got messier and messier.  I was only reacting to life as each wave hit, struggling to lift my head long enough to gasp for air, then back under.  Everything I did was the bare minimum, just enough to survive and keep my three kids alive.  Ben struggled in kindergarten, and I assumed blame for that as well.  Everything was dark and gray in my world.

At times I wondered, would I ever be able to feel more joy than sorrow in my life?  Would I ever be able to get through a single day with more smiles than tears?  Would the immense, overwhelming ache in my heart always consume me?  Would I ever be able to enjoy all of the beautiful life that still surrounded me?

Posted on by CassieR22 · 4 Comments

A Good Friday Reflection: Why this Easter is More Meaningful than Ever Before

April 18, 2014.  Five months and thirteen days since my big brother, Seth, departed this life.  Until now, I’ve found it too painful to write.  Until now, I wasn’t sure what I should or should not share.  Now though, I am convinced the time has come for me to break silence and let the world around me know how abundantly I have received grace, truth, comfort, peace, hope, and healing.  I want the healing and comfort I’ve been given to bubble up and spill over into the hearts and minds of those around me.  To my loved ones still hurting, and to anyone else facing a dark, painful event or season of life.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”  2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Easter has and will continue to be the most significant holiday to my family and I.  It’s more than a big family dinner, dyed eggs, chocolate bunnies, and yellow peeps.  All these things are fun and bring us enjoyment, along with watching the kids run around the farm filling their baskets with goodies, hunting for the next treasure with pure bliss shining on their faces.  Yet sometimes, these events can distract us from the sole reason we have this special day to celebrate.  But not this year.  This Sunday, I will be rejoicing in the victory we have been given from the One who’s love knows no bounds.

On November 5, 2013, my life was shattered and my heart broken.  As soon as I learned my big brother was gone from this life on earth, I fell to my knees and cried out to God.  It didn’t seem real, it had to be a nightmare; and some days it still feels that way.  My heart cry to God was this, “God, please, give me confirmation Seth is with you!  Nothing else matters, nothing else can give me comfort.  Please, God, you have to give me the comfort of knowing I will see him again!”  You see, my faith is weak in that I needed and wanted continued reassurance, a solid confirmation, that Seth was not dead.  I knew I would never hear his voice on the phone again, I would never again get to hear him laugh as I gave him the latest update on his ornery nephews and niece, and it was just too much to bear.  I wanted God to tell me or show me that Seth is alive now more than ever because Seth is now living with him, in his permanent home.  That very day, I received from a dear friend, two of the most encouraging scriptures I’ve ever read.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:37-39

“I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.” John 10:28-29

These powerful, beautiful truths gave me immediate peace.  But the next few months were still dark and grey.

The journey of grieving a loved one is long, hard, sometimes dark and lonely, and no one can walk it for you.  Thankfully, my Father has carried me when I was too weak to walk.  He has pulled my mind from the dreary mud and planted the peace of knowing this separation is only temporary.  Though Seth’s physical body is gone, his soul is very ALIVE.  Satan cannot take his soul because Seth made the decision to give himself to the only One who has the power to save or destroy his soul.   One day, we will join him again and the sorrows and evil that plagued his life and ours in this world won’t be there.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever.” Revelations 21:4

About a month ago, I had dream.  I was surrounded by family: my husband, mom, little brother, our children, etc.  Then out of no where, Seth appeared.  Everyone else faded into the background, though they were still with us, and Seth and I embraced in the biggest bear hug.  I was sobbing and through tears told him, “we’ve missed you so much!”  Seth answered, “I know, and I’ll be coming back real soon.”

“Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.  They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy.  Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.” Isaiah 51:11

I continue to cry out to God, and continue to receive the most amazing comfort and encouragement from my supportive husband,  caring friends, family members, counselors, pastors, God’s Word, my six year old’s drawings and memories of “uncle Seff”, emails, texts, blogs, a sermon series at church ABOUT HEAVEN, messages about healing and hope for the broken-hearted, songs, and the list goes on. There are still plenty of difficult moments ahead, more tears to shed for certain.   Thankfully, God has been pouring out to me abundantly, faithful as ever, mending my broken heart, each word or image another stitch.  The hole is being repaired, but the scar will remain until the day I arrive to my eternal home, reunited with my brother, father, grandmother and other loved ones.  The home where Seth is now resting safe in the arms of our Savior.

This Easter, I am more grateful because never before have I been more aware and in need of the hope I have through God’s abundant gift of grace.  How beautiful and overwhelming is His love. This is how love wins.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:16-17

If you have never accepted God’s amazing gift, I urge you to reconsider.  Honestly, if you’re unsure, if you cannot fathom how this kind of love is possible, why not give it a try?  What do you have to lose?  There is nothing I am more certain of in my life than the gift of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ, and I know someday, not so far off, I will be called home to be with him for eternity.  For the skeptic, I would much rather hold on to my faith in Christ now and risk being wrong in this life, because all I have to lose is finding that when it ends that was it.  Better that than to assume you are right and deny this precious gift, only to arrive at the gates and discover you were wrong.

“My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-4

Above all else, this Easter I will rejoice because my debt has been bought and paid for.  My life has been ransomed and restored.  I will celebrate the truth that my Savior has conquered death, and He is alive.

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb,  but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.  While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them.  In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?  He is not here; he has risen!  Luke 24:1-6