Posted on by CassieR22

A Holy Week to Remember

Palm Sunday, March 24, 2024. My heart was heavy and my mind was anxious. As our worship team led us in the closing songs, our pastor reminded the congregation that if anyone wanted prayer, a member of the Arise prayer team was waiting in the back. I didn’t know Diane at the time, but I lowered my head and quickly sat down next to her. “I’d like prayer for a biopsy appointment I have tomorrow,” I whispered to Diane. “What kind of biopsy is it?” she asked. “It’s a breast biopsy.”

Suddenly, Diane perked up and said, “Well I had breast cancer in 1999.” Immediately, two thought pathways flooded my mind: ‘Noooooo, nope, not happening. Lord, you are not confirming that I have breast cancer,’ and, ‘Here is a 24 year breast cancer survivor, sitting next to me and praying for me. What are the odds?? This is not a coincidence, only God could have orchestrated this divine encounter.’

On Monday morning, Eddie and I drove to the medical center where the radiologist performed the biopsy. I remember lying on the table feeling almost hopeless that it would be benign, as the doctor struggled to drive the tool deep into the very hard tissue to retrieve the samples.

On Wednesday, I received the phone call no one ever wants. “Is now an OK time to talk?”, the doctor asked. I knew, this is not good. But I still could not process when she said, “unfortunately, it’s malignant.” Things were kind of spinning, and I couldn’t sit down, I just paced around, my heart racing. Eventually, I found myself walking out my front door, standing in the grass with the phone, I was stammering out questions, “but how long has it been there? What stage is it?” None of this information could be answered. I would need imaging, first a breast MRI, which they already had scheduled for me the following day. Additional testing would be performed on the tissue to find out what kind of breast cancer. I had no idea that there are at least 8 types of breast cancer, most people don’t until they’re diagnosed. It’s still Holy Week. As I look back now on this week in Jesus’ life, this is the day known as “Spy Wednesday”, otherwise known as the day that Judas betrayed Jesus. Betrayal is an accurate word for how I felt: how could my own body betray me this way?

That day, the message shared by our local Christian radio station was what I needed to hear.

The rest of the week was somewhat of a blur: the breast MRI wasn’t horrible, and I remember the technician reassuring me, “nothing can hide on this MRI.” Good. Let’s hope it only reveals the one tumor we know about. While it was confirmed only one tumor in my breast, the MRI also showed an enlarged lymph node, indicating the cancer may have spread.

When I got home from the MRI I had a bag from some very dear friends. Two women who had already been down the road and battled breast cancer knew what a sister needs. I was sad and overwhelmed, but I was also feeling loved, seen, and hopeful.

Over the weekend our family was a bit of an emotional mess. It had only been about six weeks since my stepdad had passed, and this was the first Easter without him. We were all grieving so heavily, and busying ourselves with preparation for our large family dinner. And in the midst of it, trying to process the news that I have cancer. My mom, God bless her, could barely keep herself together. I could hardly take it after a while, so I mustered some of her old advice, grabbed her by the shoulders and tried to look her in the eyes (but she could hardly maintain eye contact without crying), “Mom, I need you to get it together. I am going to be OK.” She nodded, then looked away.

This message hit home even harder for me on this Good Friday.

On Sunday our family gathered after church at a small community center in town because Mom was not up for hosting at the farm without my stepdad, and honestly, none of us kids were up for it either. It was too fresh and too painful without him.

That day I did my best to smile and enjoy the day as much as possible; I received lots of hugs and encouragement from aunts, uncles, and cousins. I answered questions on what I knew, which wasn’t a whole lot at that time. As the day was winding down this desire I had was getting stronger, I so badly wanted to be prayed over. At church I was really wanting someone to offer to pray over me, but I wouldn’t ask. As I mingled with all of my family and extended family I couldn’t shake this desire, I want someone to pray over me. But for whatever reason, I didn’t have the courage to ask anyone…I didn’t want to ask.

After the littles finished their egg hunt, a few of my cousins were taking group photos, when one of them approached me. Pepper walked up and asked, “Cass, would it be OK with you if some of us prayed over you?” A resounding YES. What happened next was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. All of the women in my family, cousins, aunts, great aunts, my mom, my sister and sister-in-law, they all gathered around me as I sat down in a chair. Each woman laid a hand on me, some on my shoulder, my arm, some held my hand, some ran their hands through my long hair. And they prayed.

Peace washed over me, like a warm basking of sunlight. My Heavenly Father didn’t just see me, He wasn’t just walking with me, He heard the heart cries of my deepest desires, and He answered. Never once did He abandon me. He went before me, and made a way. Surely this God, who sees my innermost desires and loves me enough to orchestrate something this small but deeply meaningful, surely he will hear and answer my prayers for healing. And He did, and continues to bring healing to my heart, mind, body, and soul today.

FOUR generations of amazing WOMEN. Mighty women of faith. Some of the women had left before we captured the photo…love to my aunts and cousins who are missing here.
Posted on by CassieR22

A Few Things Cancer Taught Me…So Far

While I appreciate the sentiment that I’ve been told, “it’s not your fault you got cancer, it just happens”, looking back there are certainly some changes I have made and will recommend to others who want to do all they can to prevent a cancer diagnosis. If I can’t look back and learn a few lessons of what I can do to better care for myself and share with others, then I feel pretty helpless, and no one likes to feel helpless.

SLEEP

If you know me well then you know that for years I would always say that one area of my health that needed improvement was sleep: getting more sleep, prioritizing sleep, creating and sticking to a bedtime routine, etc. I knew I needed better sleep and more of it, but for years I allowed myself to deprioritize it and my body suffered. When you become a parent it’s given that for a season you will not get a lot of sleep, but eventually, the baby learns to sleep through the night. Even before I became a mom though, I would stay up late and power through on 4-6 hours of sleep because I was cramming for a test, or out late watching a game, or staying up late binge watching a show, and eventually what became common was scrolling on my phone, reading blogs and articles, or just scrolling through a feed on social media. My body would ache in the mornings, but I would just pound caffeine and function on 4-5 hours of sleep, 6 at best. This went on for years, even when I was getting up at 4:30 AM for bootcamp workouts I was going to bed much later than I should have.

Our bodies need sleep to repair itself and restore certain functions, sleep is our body’s time reboot and it’s essential for optimal health. Once I received my cancer diagnosis I started to prioritize sleep and was in bed usually by 9:00-9:30; I was mentally and physically exhausted and I knew I needed sleep, suddenly I had no trouble shutting down distractions.

PLASTICS

More than 80% of breast cancers are estrogen receptor positive, meaning the cancer is fed by estrogen hormones. Did you know that microplastics are endocrine disruptors and our bodies process microplastics as a faux estrogen? Since my cancer battle, we have gotten rid of plastic food containers, cups, water bottles, and most of our cookware is stainless steel, cast iron, wooden, etc. Get rid of plastics or minimize them as much as possible.

EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL HEALTH

This is still a work in progress, but I have learned that grief, pain, and trauma effect our physical health as much as our mental and emotional health. There’s a book called “The Body Keeps the Score”, and when we carry our pain without fully processing and taking steps to heal it can have negative health impacts. Thankfully, Siteman Cancer Center offers their patients free mental health counseling for a period of time, and now I am in a survivorship support group. I’m also continuing to pursue counseling and therapy to address past traumas from my childhood and adulthood that had devastating impacts on my emotional health. I believe this is a very important piece of holistic health and healing.

EXERCISE AND NUTRITION

NINE servings of fruits and vegetables daily! Most of us hear 5 – 6, but through my cancer journey I have consulted with a holistic health practitioner and for optimal health we should aim for NINE servings of those nutrient dense plants! In addition, exercise/movement is critical. Thanks to a good neighbor/friend, I had accountability and encouragement to walk at least 4-5 days a week throughout my entire cancer journey, including chemo and after I recovered from surgery. I believe this was key to maintaining some energy, strength, and having a good response to treatment, not to mention the mental health benefits experienced when we get those “feel good endorphins” from exercise, fresh air, and nature. Sure it’s OK to order pizza every once in a while, but trying to do at least 80% of our meals at home with healthier ingredients and cooking methods keeps us on a good path. Check those food labels or use a free food scanning app, we like to use YUKA, and avoid highly processed, unnecessary ingredients.

STRESS

We can’t completely avoid it, but making decisions to mitigate unnecessary stress is very helpful. I do not need to try and do “all the things”: letting go of striving for a perfectly organized/clean house – I just strive for a level where we can function and be comfortable, not perfect. Work – I can’t control everything, I do my best and try to keep some healthy boundaries where needed. Parenting – letting go of trying to always be in control, trusting that they will be OK if we do our best and continue to encourage them to walk with Jesus, praying God will always be with them and they will know that He is with them…it’s not all up to Eddie and I, and thank God for that.

I am sure there is so much more I will continue to learn, but these are just a few of the things I would recommend we all incorporate to our best ability, not allowing it to create a stressful, legalistic mindset, but being thankful we CAN / get to do make these changes that will reap positive health benefits.

Posted on by CassieR22

Seasons Greetings from the Rickards

If ever there was a year where we have an excuse to skip sending holiday cards, it would be this one. Even still, I convinced myself in October that I will definitely find time to prioritize holiday / thank you greeting cards to all our family, friends, and neighbors who supported us this year. Alas, by December 22nd I admitted that a blog post will suffice. Here is 2024 in review for the Rickards, including an update on my cancer journey:

January – March:

What can I say, we started like every other year, resolutions to get healthier, less screen time, more family time, etc. February hit us like a tsunami, ripping apart our hearts when we lost my loving stepdad rather suddenly to a battle with leukemia. As we tried to regroup in March, Ben’s 16th birthday rolled around and he got his license, Eddie turned 44, we were planning a beautiful beach getaway with some friends to sunny Florida…and the month rounded out with my devastating breast cancer diagnosis.

Kicked it off with trivia and our favorite Ferrel impressions
Addie and Eddie ready for the father/daughter dance
He’s a legal driver
Florida with the funnest crew!

April – June:

The spring was a blur of end of school activities and more doctors appointments than I can count. I started chemotherapy, lost my hair, coached Addie’s softball team, got away with our friends to the Lake, served on Memorial Day with family for wounded veterans, and cheered Nolan on during baseball. Eddie was promoted at work! I completed the first 6 rounds of chemo, with ten to go.

We saw the northern lights in St. Louis MO!
Memorial Day weekend was not the same without Grandpa
Another year of coaching the best softball team ever!
Our friend’s wedding in KC
Nolan kicked butt at the 200 in track this year

July – September:

My mom hosted an epic fourth of July cookout with our family, some good friends visited our farm, we got to take a camping trip to a new to us National Park with my mom. I was able to go on a fabulous road trip with my mom, aunt and cousins to Dallas, TX. I beat COVID during chemo and rang the bell finishing all of my chemotherapy treatments on September 18. We attended and cheered on our boys at many Lindbergh Flyer’s football games, and Addie during many volleyball games. I also received news that I was promoted to a new position at work (voluntold is more accurate, and what an adventure it has turned into!)

4th of July at Mom’s
20 year anniversary
Mammoth Cave with Gma
Rang out chemo!

October – December:

I was able to focus on just recovering from chemo, soak up a little of the fall, and remember for a bit how it feels to not be nauseous and fatigued all the time (that was short lived before surgery and radiation). Ben took his sweet girlfriend, Madi, to homecoming. Nolan’s football team played in the championship game and took second in the league! Addie made the girl’s Flyer’s Elite basketball team which Eddie is helping to coach, and I made it through surgery (a bilateral mastectomy with 3 lymph nodes removed). The best day in October was a phone call on my birthday letting me know pathology results showed a complete response in my lymph nodes, and near complete response elsewhere (one microscopic lymph vessel with a tiny amount of cancer which my surgeon removed). “We got it all”, the nurse stated. I was stunned and so relieved. Thank you, Lord! November rounded out the end of football and volleyball; I worked on recovery from surgery, and in December I returned to work, to my new job. December 18 – December 26, I completed radiation. We like to call this “the final throat punch” to knock out cancer once and for all!

Madi and Ben at Homecoming
Thanksgiving at Mom’s

Our amazing trip to Scottsdale, Arizona!
Sonoran Dessert was beautiful!
Finishing radiation December 26!

All in all, it’s been a long, hard year. But wow. I cannot fathom the amount of love and support our family has received throughout everything. Every step of this journey, we have been surrounded, cared for, lifted up; from nourishing meals, to giftcards, to trips, to flowers, to house cleanings, to yardwork…to free head shavings from a friend…every little act of love and service has meant the world to us and made an impact. THANK YOU to all, and may you have a healthy and healing 2025!!

Posted on by CassieR22

Ringing Out the Year of 2024

2024 began like so many other years: tired “woo hoos” and fairwells at a friend’s house as we rang in the New Year and went to bed with hopes of many new resolutions and ideas of what would be “different this year”.

Kids NYE ‘23
NYE 2023

We never could have imagined how different this year would look, and I wish most of it was just a bad dream and we could wake up to the way things were before. Life before we had an empty seat at the dinner table at Mom’s, life before I had cancer. I do understand the sentiment (you learn quite a few after a cancer diagnosis) “there is life before cancer and life after cancer”.

Christmas 2023

On February 16th, 2024 took a turn for the one of the darkest and most painful years of our lives. The patriarch of our family, who never acted as a dominating male figure, but an equal and loving partner to our matriarch, my beautiful mama, left this life, and our hearts were shattered. During the sleepless nights leading up to the funeral, I was quietly logging into my patient portal and rescheduling a diagnostic mammogram that was scheduled for the same week. “This can wait, and besides, I am sure it’s nothing. I’ve had concerns before and they always turnout to be nothing,” I thought to myself.

In my previous post, I shared the story of my diagnosis and the early weeks and months of my journey through battling breast cancer. I’d like to share so many stories from this year: the hard and dark moments, the hilarious moments (yes, there is cancer humor), the beautiful and joyful ones. There is too much to share in one post so I will be periodically reflecting on specific aspects through various blog posts.

September 18, the end of chemo!

For this particular post, I want to SHOUT the GREAT NEWS that my doctors believe “they got all the cancer”!! May 1 – September 18, I went through 16 rounds of chemotherapy: three different types of chemo, along with all the ugly side effects these drugs bring, they understood the assignment and those chemo ninjas kicked cancer’s ass! They went in and demolished the entire tumor bed in my right breast, eliminated all cancer cells in my lymphnodes, and when surgery rolled around on October 16th, after a double mastectomy and three lymphnodes removed, the only spec of cancer left was a microscopic cluster (less than 1 mm) in a lymph vessel, which my surgeon removed. I had tons of clear margin all around. This type of response to chemo is not typical or normal for the specific type of breast cancer I had, per my oncologist. Amazing! I can’t help but credit God’s answer to my prayers and so many prayers being said on my behalf. Smashing the statistics and the norms in cancer treatment!!

This medical response and the pathology results made me eligible for a shorter trial of radiation than the normal standard of care. I signed up for the trial, not knowing if I would end up in the 16 day arm which is the current standard of care, or the 5 day hyper-fractionated arm, as it comes down to total randomization, like a coin flip. I was so ecstatic to find out I was randomized into the 5 day arm of radiation as it meant I would be able to finish these treatments before the end of the year. There were some delays and frustrations in the weeks between surgery and when radiation began, but I officially began my 5 day regiment of radiation on December 18, which is that final blow to knocking out cancer once in for all, ensuring any rogue cancer cell is eliminated for good, and I finished the final round, that throat punch to cancer, on December 26th. Words cannot accurately articulate the jubilation I felt ringing out the end of radiation as I knew I have all of the hardest milestones behind me, and I am leaving it in 2024. I have never been more ready for a New Year with new beginnings, than this coming year. Good-bye 2024, good-bye cancer, chemo, nausea, drain tubes, and hello 2025. I pray this year brings us a year of good health and healing.

Ringing that final bell after my last round of radiation, December 26.
Posted on by CassieR22

Wide Awake

If God is so good, why does he allow bad things to happen? That’s the billion dollar question, and you will hear many different ideas. I wanted to share with everyone much sooner what this cancer battle has been like, but I will confess that throughout my journey this year I have kept my head down with a mission to “just get through it”. This is a blessing and a curse I’ve struggled with most of my life: I can get through hard things without too much of a pity party, but sometimes I want so badly to get through the hard stuff of life, that I often find myself trying to fast-forward through it to get to the “good stuff”, or I think “just wait, eventually, life will be easier and you can enjoy it.” Just typing that sentence I realize how ridiculous it sounds. Life is full of HARD STUFF. Each and every day we will face something hard. What I do not want to do is wish my life away, trying to “just get through” the day because it’s hard and I am so certain that after this hard thing, life will be easier.

“After I finish my degree and start my career, life will be easier… After I lose 10-20 lbs, life will be more enjoyable… After I get through this sleepless newborn season, life will get easier… After I get through chemotherapy and my hair starts to grow back, life will be normal again.” What a load of crap.

If there is one thing I hope to take away from this cancer battle and share with others, it’s this: wake up. Stop scrolling your life away, dazed and distracted. Don’t wish yourself through the hard stuff so badly that you can’t see the good that still surrounds you. “Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober.” ~ 1 Thes. 5:6

Life is right now, today. There are zero guarantees for anyone on tomorrow. Stop putting things off that you want to do, say, learn, love, enjoy, because you’re not satisfied with how you look, how you feel, what your house looks like, how much money you’ve saved up, etc. I realize there are some things that need to be achieved or obtained before we can do all that we’d like to, (like you should probably train before you try to run a marathon:), but please realize life can be good and beautiful and enjoyed right now. Life with cancer and going through treatments was no picnic, and I was not sunshine and rainbows every day; I cried big ugly sobbing cries, I screamed and yelled at God. I was irritable and tired a lot, I gained 25 friggin pounds and lost all my hair during treatment; I got frustrated and threw a scarf across my office because I looked like a pirate and needed to be on camera for a customer meeting (que short wig from my mom, thanks Mom). My point is, it’s OK to have all the emotions and I believe it is healthy and natural to process and release those emotions. I am still processing all that I’ve been through and I know my healing journey is truly just beginning. But if I stay fixated on the pain and the struggle, if I just keep my head down as I bull through the hard stuff, I will inevitably miss so much of the good stuff.

When I had to face one of my biggest fears, more than once this year, I could no longer avoid thinking about all the “what ifs”. What if I die from cancer, what will happen to my kids, who will be there to look after them, advocate for them, encourage them and love them the way they deserve to be loved? What moments in the future will I miss out on that I have dreamed about and prayed about for my children? I remember one day this summer, sitting in our house crying with a friend over the phone, and I said to her, “I am trying so hard to find the good in this, to understand the ‘purpose in the pain’, but I cannot do it. I cannot find good or a purpose in this. Why would God let this happen? If my kids have to grow up without one of their parents, I cannot see the good in it.” My friend paused for a moment and then she said, “Cassie, you don’t have to find purpose in this. It’s OK to not be OK with it. We do not always have to look for the good or purpose in everything.” I cried even harder as I released so much emotion, and after that moment, it was a little bit easier for me to process through my circumstances.

I cannot take credit for the following quote, it was one I came across, along with with many others that inspired me this year. Another mom was sharing an update on the reoccurrence of her thyroid cancer, and I will paraphrase what she wrote: “I believe that every single good thing in this life is a gift from God. And everything else is just life.” In other words, I will still praise God for all of the beautiful gifts He has given me in this life: my family, my husband, three healthy and amazing children, loving and supportive friends, a warm home to raise my children in, trips and vacations, moments snuggled up with my family watching a funny movie or binge watching with my daughter a sitcom about a teenager who battles cancer, comforting meals from friends and neighbors during treatments, new friendships and bonds I’ve made with other women also battling breast cancer. Every day I can look around and choose to see something beautiful and I can choose to be grateful for something small, but somedays I won’t be able to smile and say “I am so grateful for ____.” And that is OK because I am a human being, and this life we have is not perfect, and this world we live in is broken. Somedays I can scream and cheer, despite my circumstances, for 20 years of marriage celebrated during round 8 of chemo, my son getting his driver’s license (was terrifying but gave us a third driver in our home when we REALLY needed it), my other son who has had his own share of struggles coming in FIRST PLACE at a track meet in the 200 yard dash, my daughter asking my mom to help baptize her this year…

I have come to the conclusion that God is so good because He has gotten me through all of the hard, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days in my life, and I know that He always will. I may or may not get the ending I want, but God has shown me He will never leave me, or my loved ones. I do not have 100% control over whether or not I will always be there for my children, but I can 100% trust that God will be there, and He will provide love and support for my children every step of their lives. As I was composing an email to one of the kids’ teachers the day before my surgery, I wrote, “I will be unreachable that day, but my husband or my mom will be there.” I realized in that moment, someone will be there. It’s not the same as if it were me, but during those pivotal moments, God will put someone there so that they are not alone.

I grew up without my biological father after he passed away when I was 6 years old. I look back now and there was always someone there: teachers who would comfort me when I was sad, my high school softball coach cheering and congratulating me after my highest scoring basketball game (18 points! not too shabby), brothers to vet my new boyfriend, uncles and my stepdad on my wedding day, aunts who’ve always loved on me, my mom – one of my biggest supporters, my grandma always making sure my hairstyle was the best on picture day, my youth pastor counseling me through hard stuff during my adolescent years, my pastor and my best friend’s dad watching over me on mission trips in college, high school teachers who would pray with me, best friends who would cry with me, my FIL driving me to my first job interview in St. Louis, neighbors who walk with me, friends who went with me to chemo treatments…someone who loves me has always been there when I needed it. And I have a beautiful life with so much to be thankful for. I want to be awake and fully present for every moment.  “He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.” ~ Psalm 121:3-4

I cannot deny there are times when the pain is too much for me to process in the moment, so I may choose to distract or numb…kind of like icing a spot or asking for a nova cane shot before a big injection, that sometimes looked like me just sitting on the couch and reading a really good novel and ignoring life, and later, when I am ready and able, I will face those hard things. However, I do not want distraction and numbing to become the default reaction to life.

I have plenty of processing and reflecting to do in the coming year, but I must not stay downcast about the areas where I failed or messed up or the things that do not look perfect; I can acknowledge these experiences and ask myself, “what did I learn? What can I do better next time? What can I do right now that is good?” Or sometimes, maybe all I can say is, “I got through it.” And that is enough.

For all of the things 100% out of my control, I can acknowledge my fears, share it with someone I can confide in, and release it to my Savior who I know I can trust. We are guaranteed in this life that we will have suffering, it cannot be avoided, but we can control how we react to it, how we choose to frame it, and how we will live in response to it.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” ~ James 1:17

Posted on by CassieR22

Life Changing News

February 2024 was a whirlwind of shock and grief. We suddenly lost my stepfather to a battle with leukemia. We were not expecting this because prior to February he had been managing and battling the chronic form of this disease, and doing quite well. As our family was just beginning another journey of grief, trying to learn a “new normal” none of us wanted to accept, I had a doctor’s appointment on the horizon as well. I had a few concerns to be discussed and looked at, but I had experienced some of these things in the past and they always turned out to be nothing, so I felt safe to assume this time would be the same.

March is always a busy month with two birthdays in our household, and this year we were celebrating our first born’s sweet sixteen! Ben did great and passed his driver’s test on the first try. We had a trip planned the following week with a group of his friends and their families to a beautiful beach in Florida. Eddie also celebrated his 44th birthday, and the kids’ spring-break was just days away. So on this Monday morning, as I sat in the chair across from a nurse explaining to me how a breast tissue biopsy works, I was in total denial, and really just angry and annoyed. I’m leaving for a vacation in four days, I have had these symptoms before and it was no big deal so I don’t know why this time they want a biopsy, and is she serious that I won’t be able to get in the ocean or swim for seven days? I do not need this biopsy, they want to mark me and put me through all this and it will be for nothing. Yet, I accepted the initial appointment, walked out to my car, called my husband, and cried. We both agreed we shouldn’t get upset or too worried yet, we don’t know anything, it’s just a biopsy. The next day I called and requested to postpone the biopsy until after our trip. I have zero regret making that choice.

Beautiful sunsets in Cape San Blas

On March 27, I was at home by myself, working, when my phone rang. The radiologist let me know that unfortunately, my results were malignant. I can’t accurately express how it feels to hear these words, but shock and disbelief are as close as I can get. The next several days and weeks were excruciating: telling my loved ones I have cancer, particularly my kids, is just an experience I would not wish on the worst person on earth. I was suddenly living in fragments based on doctor’s appointments, scans, more biopsies, waiting on results, and consultations with surgeons and oncologists. I never thought, “my oncologist” or “my breast surgeon” would be part of my vocabulary. I have been riding on the scariest rollercoaster of my life and there is no way for me to get off this one. I have no choice but to grab on to the handles, close my eyes, and hold on for every twist, turn, and dip. There have been crashing lows “because it’s in a lymph node, you have to do chemotherapy”, and a few huge reliefs “your scans show no evidence of disease anywhere else”.

Over the past 12 weeks, I have been walking through a very dark valley, and it’s terrifying, overwhelming, and yet at some points, I can still see so much beauty and goodness surrounding me. Wonderful warrior friends have rallied around me and given me tools and lots of love and support so that I am not walking this journey alone or blind. My “bosom buddies”, “pink sisters”, fellow breast cancer overcomers, are walking beside me and I am so grateful for their encouragement. Looking at them has given me something critical to getting through this: HOPE.

Two fellow warriors taking me out to lunch after a day of scans

Along with support from fellow survivors, my church and community have rallied around our family. Our church started a meal train and many friends, family and neighbors have pitched in with meals, gift cards, rides for my kids, flowers, house cleaning, books and comfort gifts for infusion days, lots and lots of greeting cards (each one I treasure and save and go back to read through them for ongoing encouragement), hats and scarves to help me get through the hair loss, encouraging texts, walks with my neighbors, and so much more. My mom drives up during my treatment weeks and helps us with laundry, housework and kid’s activities. Our family is going through a lot, and it’s hard, but thank God, we are not alone.

Fellow warrior Jacki in the back with me and two dear friends at the drive-in last weekend watching Inside Out 2 w/the kids

In April, I had surgery for a port in one of my larger veins. I also cut off my long hair and was able to have mine and some of Addie’s hair made into a halo wig that I can wear under hats. Having a piece of me that I chose to take and not allow chemo to take has been somewhat empowering.

Short hair, don’t care!
Lopping off the locks…this time they were for me.

As of today, I have completed four rounds of chemotherapy: I started with a dual dense dose, two drugs at once: Adriamycin and Cytoxan. Thank GOD, I am finished now with that specific regimen. I begin a third regimen on June 26, 12 weeks/rounds of Taxol. Once I complete chemotherapy, which will be mid-September, I will have about a month to recover before I have surgery. Surgery will likely happen in October, and then I will have radiation following surgery. There will be a lot more that I have to endure and process, but for right now, I am trying to only focus on what is right in front of me: getting through chemotherapy. I am confident the worst of the chemotherapy side effects are behind me, but I do have a long ways to go.

Eddie & I at round 2 infusion. This was the same day my hair started to fall out. On the bright side, the nurses and staff at Siteman SoCo are phenomenal!
That big syringe of red stuff is Adriamycin, I affectionately refer to it as “the red ninja”, because it is demolishing those cancer cells! I’m icing my hands, feet and mouth during the treatments to protect against certain side effects.

I would be remiss if I did not mention where my faith is in all of this. I can write pages about it already, but I will save that for another post. I do want to mention that all of this news unfolded during Holy Week this year. It was no coincidence, and there were moments I was trembling with fear and emotion, but acutely aware of God’s presence with me. He has not abandoned or forsaken me, I know this to be true. He was not shocked by my diagnosis, and He knew exactly what I would need to get through this battle. He has and is surrounding me with all I could need, want or hope for with the best doctors, family and friends praying for us, a solid support system, and so far, prayers are being answered. I am responding well to treatment and my tumor has shrank so dramatically I can no longer feel it! More to come….

Another survivor friend gave me the idea to create this countdown of my treatments…it’s a long one, but each round finished is a link removed. Four down, 12 to go!
Posted on by CassieR22

The 75Hard Challenge

Thoughts, Insights, and Takeaways

On January 3, 2022, my husband and I took on the 75Hard Challenge for the first time, and it’s too soon to tell if it will be the last.

If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a program founded by author and entrepreneur, Andy Frisella, who happens to be a native Missourian! The challenge includes the following six requirements with no cheats or exceptions: Two 45 minute workouts, and one of the workouts must be outdoors; reading 10 pages of nonfiction each day, drinking 1 gallon of water, following a diet/nutrition program, no cheat meals, no alcohol, and you must take a progress photo each day.

The first 2 1/2 – 3 weeks were really hard to adjust to the new changes in our schedules, not to mention giving up comfort foods, and tracking everything. After three weeks, some of the changes start to feel good, like eating healthy without any compromises, being hydrated, healthy flow of endorphins from consistent exercise, sleeping better (my husband legitimately stopped snoring for the first time since I’ve known him!), less time scrolling my phone because I need to read 10 pages each day, etc.

However, the name is 75Hard because there were plenty of days when one or both of us wanted to give in and skip a workout or eat takeout pizza, or even have a drink. Taking on this type of challenge during a very busy season of life was not wise, and I will caution anyone else who has a teenager and two other school aged children, plus two parents with Alzheimer’s, and full-time jobs, to reconsider taking the challenge in a less busy season. It is supposed to be hard and push you to a level of mental toughness you’re not accustomed to, which it did do, and we are both thankful we were able to push through the hard days. But, there were times when it felt like insanity for my husband to worry about a second 45 minute workout after working all day, going to take care of his parents, and taking our son to baseball or basketball practice. Especially when he hadn’t eaten and it would mean a very late bed time and not enough sleep to rest/recover. He did it anyway, and there were times he was ready to quit and I stopped trying to talk him out of it; yet he pulled himself out of his funk and got it done.

We both lost a combined weight of 35 pounds (naturally Eddie lost more than I). We really enjoyed the times our workouts aligned and we had time to talk/catch-up while walking outside….even in below freezing temperatures with snow, sleet, ice, etc. Wearing appropriate gear makes all the difference: snow boots, snow pants/coveralls, heavy gloves, face masks, stocking caps, and good base layers. With the right gear the 45 minute outdoor workout was not as miserable as it sounds.

One takeaway we both agree on is that the program was a bit too consuming, mentally and physically. We both chose programs that required food logging, adding that to the daily grind of the other requirements, it felt like any free moment of time was spent on 75Hard. And when it’s 75 consecutive days, that can definitely wear on you. If I do the program again, I would likely choose an eating plan that doesn’t require logging, and I would try to get away from so much digital/phone reliance.

There are additional phases we may consider later this year, but for now we are relieved we can both resume a more normal schedule. We want to maintain as many gains as we can though. I will definitely drink more water than I ever did before this program. We both want to maintain our strength and endurance from the exercise, but it will most likely not entail 90 minutes every single day. I started a social media fast after the 75Hard was complete so that I can get back to some of my healthy output rhythms, like writing / blogging! I also plan to start running again on a regular basis now that this challenge has ended and the weather is becoming more favorable (hard to run in snow boots and coveralls). I’m also hoping my husband won’t resume snoring;)

From freezing icy walks to intense indoor bootcamps, we made it!
Posted on by CassieR22

A New Chapter Begins…

February something, 2012, my last day as a full-time working mom. It was full of tearful good-byes and a strange sense of dread for all of the uncertainties that lay before me. I felt lost without a job title, a paycheck, a commute, a work week that had a start and a finish, co-workers who made me laugh, drove me nuts, and became close friends. But I was so excited, so grateful, and in total awe that this was my real life: I get to stay home with my children?! Will I be a good stay-at-home mom? Can we survive on one income? Will I be able to recover my career after my children are older and I feel ready to re-enter the workforce?

I enthusiastically jumped in with crafts and all of these “new project ideas”, and I also picked up babysitting other littles to offset our income loss.

Ben and Ashtyn with homemade play dough

I was home and so were my babies: Ben was a few weeks shy of his 4th birthday, and Nolan was a sweet six months old.

Ben the first week staying home everyday with mama: working on Valentine’s Cards. 2012
Sweet six month old Nolan (cell phone pics in 2012 were quite grainy)

Two weeks in, I realized babysitters are not paid well enough at all, and in fact, I owed my former babysitter $20,000,000,000 for loving and caring for our most prized treasures while I escaped to the office with other adults. She was doing the hard work: changing diapers, all the diapers, all day. Warming up the breastmilk, feeding the baby food, rocking them, reading them stories, and laying them down for naps, wiping their faces and snotty noses, soothing their cries, and the list goes on and on. How did she do it? How do I do it? I had two three year olds, a six month old, and a newborn with medical needs….and I made less in one long exhausting day than I did in half a day at the office.

Through the years we had many adventures: in 2013 we welcomed our surprise baby girl, Addie. I had part-time contract work from my former employer (working from home with kids is not for the faint of heart). We had many field trips to the Zoo, Grant’s Farm, the Science Center, nearly every park in St. Louis County and City, the City Garden, the Magic House, Incredible Pizza, Powder Valley Nature Center, the Post Office, museums, skating rinks, bowling alleys, movie theaters, pumpkin patches, and so on. We homeschooled for two years (also while working part-time which I do not recommend – if you homeschool that is equal to 8 full-time jobs, no need to try and hustle anything on the side, give yourself some grace.) We bought our second home and moved in 2015, and our kids transitioned to public school in 2017. Two years of homeschooling in the midst of renovating a 50 year old house with toddlers and babies may have given Eddie and I a few extra grey hairs…

August 19, 2013: how can a heart be more full before it bursts?
In our “new” to us home: the inspiration for the blog name, our Trillium Transformation (notice all the unfinished work in the background)
Pumpkin patch field trips with our homeschool co-op were my favorite.
2017: first day of 4th for Ben and kindergarten for Nolan at their new school. Addie wishing she could go too.
What’s not to love about the Magic House? OK, so those smiles make the crowds and stress all worth it.

We have had loss and grief in the midst as well. Losing two brothers four years apart; caring for my husband’s aging parents as they battle Alzheimer’s, friends that have moved away, new diagnosis’ for our children that bring with them new challenges.

July 12, 2020, my last night before I start my first full-time job back in the corporate world. It comes as a bit of a surprise to me as I wasn’t planning to jump back in now – in the midst of a pandemic with a chance of more “virtual learning” for my three children. It’s hard to articulate exactly how it happened, but several months ago, I began to feel a stirring inside me that I wasn’t sure I would ever feel again. I felt a pull, a desire, a need to start working again outside of caring for my three growing children (soon to be 7th, 3rd, and 1st graders). About a month ago I received an inquiry from a former colleague about a job opening, was I interested? My first thought was, “doubtful…but I’ll take a look.” Turns out, I was very interested after I looked at the job description and realized it would be something new and slightly different, more challenging than my former part-time contract work. After some time to contemplate, pray, and discuss with my husband, I decided to apply. To my surprise and delight I was offered the job, and although I’ve had moments of apprehension and second-guessing, I’ve been reassured by the cheers, support and enthusiasm of my husband, my three kids, and my mom. My children are possibly more excited than anyone that I’m starting a new job, and they’re proud of me. That quiets the doubts.

I look back and truly feel like I just blinked: suddenly the struggles and tears, and the love and joy of the last 8 years happened overnight; as if I went to bed, had a good dream, and now I’m awake. I must acknowledge my grief for the end of this sweet season, for all my messy days and all the ways I failed; for all of the amazing ways I loved my children well, and for how quickly they’ve gone from my precious babies who need me for every moment of every day, to independent adolescents. I am so proud of them.

One of my favorite pictures from homeschooling: our dress up “etiquette party”.
Mother’s Day 2020

Tomorrow we’ll seize the day together and start our next chapter full of “firsts”, more messy days, and new adventures.

Posted on by CassieR22

Immigration, Life, Love, and Peace

The current cultural and political climate makes it easy to feel overwhelmed by the river of opinions, ideas, reports, and rants regarding our world’s most sensitive social issues.

Admittedly, I’m one of the masses that has succumbed to hastily forming an opinion based solely on a media headline or article.  Embarrassingly, I must also admit I’ve felt anger towards friends and family members, church goers and non-church goers, based on something he/she said or shared via social media.  And I’m sure I’ve been on the receiving end of those same emotions.

Not only is it overwhelming, but with the nonstop barrage of information, it can become downright discouraging, and without a protective guard, lead to despair.

If the social issues alone do not bother you, the division and strife that so easily rises these days as a result of conflicting opinions and beliefs,  among friends, family members, Christians, non-Christians, coworkers, spouses, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, daughters and sons, has probably impacted you in some way.

If you’re a Christian, consider this your gentle reminder: our hope knows no bounds, and it should never be placed on the shoulders of a man or woman, let alone a politician.

To bring clarity, there is only one trustworthy, timeless and unbiased source to guide me through these confusing and disheartening times.  It is the greatest selling book of all time.  And it is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword.

How can you be for some or part of life, and not all life?  How can you believe part of a book, but not the whole book?  How can you agree with some sections, but deny other sections?  You’re either all for it, or you’re against all of it.

How should I treat immigrants, refugees, the poor, homeless, the unborn, mentally ill, the outcasts and sinners?  Well, how did Jesus treat them?  What did Jesus have to say about how we should treat them, and more importantly, how did He live out what He taught?

*

Immigration/Refugees/The Poor/Homeless:

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed.  Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.         Proverbs 31:8-10 
Thus hath Jehovah of hosts spoken, saying, Execute true judgment, and show kindness and compassion every man to his brother; and oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the foreigner, nor the poor; and let none of you devise evil against his brother in your heart. Zechariah 7:9-10 
For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, Matthew 25:35 
For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:14 
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  1 John 4:18 

Life of the Unborn:

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves;  Proverbs 31:8
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart”          Jer 1:5 
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a] Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.  Psalm 139:13-16

Love:

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”  Mark 12:30-31
For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Galatians 5:14 
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  1 John 4:18 

Peace:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27 
Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.  Hebrews 12:14
Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.  Ephesians 4:15
Unity in the Body of Christ: I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:1-3

*

“Bear with one another in love”.  We are all human and imperfect works in progress.  Our struggle is not against flesh and blood.  We have one common enemy, and we are all in this together, with all of our unique imperfections, talents, gifts, differences and flaws, like it or not.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

Believe it or not, the enemy is not a Syrian refugee, a Muslim immigrant, an unplanned pregnancy, a passionate protester, democrats, republicans, liberals, conservatives, Donald Trump, Barrack Obama, or any world leader or politician.  The sooner we all realize this and the fact that we’re all on the same ship (and when it’s sinking we’re all going down with it), the sooner we can stop throwing stones.  We can put the stone down, adjust our perspective, and humbly seek peace with one another for something beyond our own selfish interests and desires.

If this seems unfathomable to you, if you have never heard the hope of  peace that transcends all understanding, which can be found through the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, please ask me.  I would love to share with you personally how this peace is a true reality, and it will set you free from the bondage and burdens that are too heavy to bear alone.

Also, if you’ve been searching for answers and you have no idea where to start, I invite you to checkout two places.   The first is my home church, Rooftop, in Affton.  “Come as you are” is our sincere motto, and I promise no matter what your background or how you look or dress, you will be warmly welcomed.  Currently, our pastors are leading a sermon series on The Bible, how we got it, where it came from, why it’s important, etc.  Check it out!  Rooftop Church

The second is an event happening this weekend at Rooftop Church.  It’s called the IF Gathering.  It is geared towards women (sorry guys), but it is open to any and all.  It’s an event to unite for one common purpose, regardless of your church home, denomination, other religious affiliation, or whether or not you have one.  “IF:Gathering exists to gather, equip, and unleash this generation of women to live out their calling.”   IF Gathering  It’s happening this Friday night and all day Saturday.

Lastly, I close with this goal in mind:

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”  Micah 6:8

Posted on by CassieR22 · 5 Comments

An Open Letter To Governor Greitens On Right To Work in Missouri

Dear Governor Greitens,

During the 2016 governor’s race, I campaigned for you.  I shared information to friends and family through multiple media sources.  I engaged in thoughtful conversations as to why I believed you would make a great governor for the people of Missouri.  We live in Crestwood, MO, home to your former campaign headquarters.  I lived next door to Amy Herbert, sister to Veteran Tim Smith.  I am a former co-worker of Laura Beckert, who worked on your campaign.  I heard nothing but great and positive things about your character, leadership, and vision, and I believe them.

My  union-working husband, was excited about your experience and philosophies for bringing change to politics in our state, until he found out your top priority as the governor of Missouri would be implementing “Right to Work”.

I’m sure you’ve heard from thousands of voices across our state that oppose Right To Work.  Whether it be phone calls, emails, letters, or news articles.  This is the first letter I have personally drafted to a politician.  I wonder, how many voices of Missourians, the hard working, tax paying, middle and lower class Missourians, have called on you in favor of Right to Work?  I suspect very few, certainly less, if any at all.  Only the voices of wealthy and greedy business owners that will benefit by paying their workers less, providing worse or no healthcare coverage at all, supporting less to nothing on education, and being allowed to provide harsher working conditions.  I have heard zero arguments supporting Right To Work.  I’ve yet to find any statistics that show growth and benefits in states where right to work has become a law.  In fact, the statistics show less favorable conditions across the board for workers and their families in states with right to work legislation.

This is troubling on so many levels.  I really want to believe your statements that you got into politics as an “outsider” and that there would be “no more politics as usual”, but I can only see how you’d benefit by making your wealthy supporters wealthier if Right To Work passes.

I hope it’s worth it.  I did not write this letter to argue statistics and politics.  I wrote it so that you would know the names and faces of the children who will be directly impacted by the Right To Work legislation.  

My son Benjamin is 8 years old and dreams of becoming a doctor, teacher or a fire-fighter.  He has asthma and allergies and I am so grateful for the health benefits the Local 1 IBEW Union provides for him so that we have access to great doctors and medicine that allows him to stay healthy and play sports that he loves: baseball, basketball and soccer.

My middle son, Nolan is 5 years old.  He too has asthma, and depends on expensive inhalers to get us through the ever changing weather and continuous viruses children encounter in Missouri.  When Nolan has an attack, he coughs throughout the night so hard that it sounds like he’s straining a lung and so we use the inhalers to get it under control, every time.  This medicine would not be affordable without the health insurance my husband works so hard to maintain for our family.  Nolan also enjoys the same sports that his big brother, Benjamin does: basketball, baseball and soccer.

Our youngest child, Adelynn is a sweet and spunky 3 year old.  During her first year of life, she had one infection after another, was hospitalized twice, and we made more than a dozen E.R. trips by the time she was just 7 months old.  At 11 months old she had surgery.  Currently, she too has a medicine that has finally seemed to make her chronic, recurrent croup manageable.  I do not know how our family would afford this life saving medicine, and not to mention, all of the doctor office visits, E.R visits, and hospital stays without our great union health benefits.

I know too many families trying to get by because his/her or their spouses jobs do not provide quality, affordable health insurance, and so their children often go without medicines, dentists cleanings, and well check-ups.

If you truly have the men, women and children of Missouri’s best interests in mind, then you would think twice before signing the legislation to pass Right To Work in Missouri.  If it passes, most families, the middle working class and lower class, will be the ones that suffer, and the upper class business owners and politicians will benefit, including you.  Passing a law as your first order of business as the governor of Missouri for your own self-gain is so disappointing on so many levels.  

Enclosed is a photo of my three children.  I hope you’ll see their faces in your mind when you sign this law.  I hope you’ll think of their health and how it will be limited, and their futures and education that will be greatly impacted by this law.  And my three children are just a few of the many families in our state that will suffer at the expense of Right to Work.  

Sincerely,

Cassie Rickard

P.S. “These three children are great-grandchildren of a man who worked hard and long to earn the benefits and decent salary and to improve working conditions for the working class. To erase all of that with a stroke of your pen is such a crime. Please reconsider your decision.” ~  Great Aunt to Ben, Nolan, and Addie, Celeste Wilson

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