If God is so good, why does he allow bad things to happen? That’s the billion dollar question, and you will hear many different ideas. I wanted to share with everyone much sooner what this cancer battle has been like, but I will confess that throughout my journey this year I have kept my head down with a mission to “just get through it”. This is a blessing and a curse I’ve struggled with most of my life: I can get through hard things without too much of a pity party, but sometimes I want so badly to get through the hard stuff of life, that I often find myself trying to fast-forward through it to get to the “good stuff”, or I think “just wait, eventually, life will be easier and you can enjoy it.” Just typing that sentence I realize how ridiculous it sounds. Life is full of HARD STUFF. Each and every day we will face something hard. What I do not want to do is wish my life away, trying to “just get through” the day because it’s hard and I am so certain that after this hard thing, life will be easier.

“After I finish my degree and start my career, life will be easier… After I lose 10-20 lbs, life will be more enjoyable… After I get through this sleepless newborn season, life will get easier… After I get through chemotherapy and my hair starts to grow back, life will be normal again.” What a load of crap.

If there is one thing I hope to take away from this cancer battle and share with others, it’s this: wake up. Stop scrolling your life away, dazed and distracted. Don’t wish yourself through the hard stuff so badly that you can’t see the good that still surrounds you. “Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober.” ~ 1 Thes. 5:6

Life is right now, today. There are zero guarantees for anyone on tomorrow. Stop putting things off that you want to do, say, learn, love, enjoy, because you’re not satisfied with how you look, how you feel, what your house looks like, how much money you’ve saved up, etc. I realize there are some things that need to be achieved or obtained before we can do all that we’d like to, (like you should probably train before you try to run a marathon:), but please realize life can be good and beautiful and enjoyed right now. Life with cancer and going through treatments was no picnic, and I was not sunshine and rainbows every day; I cried big ugly sobbing cries, I screamed and yelled at God. I was irritable and tired a lot, I gained 25 friggin pounds and lost all my hair during treatment; I got frustrated and threw a scarf across my office because I looked like a pirate and needed to be on camera for a customer meeting (que short wig from my mom, thanks Mom). My point is, it’s OK to have all the emotions and I believe it is healthy and natural to process and release those emotions. I am still processing all that I’ve been through and I know my healing journey is truly just beginning. But if I stay fixated on the pain and the struggle, if I just keep my head down as I bull through the hard stuff, I will inevitably miss so much of the good stuff.

When I had to face one of my biggest fears, more than once this year, I could no longer avoid thinking about all the “what ifs”. What if I die from cancer, what will happen to my kids, who will be there to look after them, advocate for them, encourage them and love them the way they deserve to be loved? What moments in the future will I miss out on that I have dreamed about and prayed about for my children? I remember one day this summer, sitting in our house crying with a friend over the phone, and I said to her, “I am trying so hard to find the good in this, to understand the ‘purpose in the pain’, but I cannot do it. I cannot find good or a purpose in this. Why would God let this happen? If my kids have to grow up without one of their parents, I cannot see the good in it.” My friend paused for a moment and then she said, “Cassie, you don’t have to find purpose in this. It’s OK to not be OK with it. We do not always have to look for the good or purpose in everything.” I cried even harder as I released so much emotion, and after that moment, it was a little bit easier for me to process through my circumstances.

I cannot take credit for the following quote, it was one I came across, along with with many others that inspired me this year. Another mom was sharing an update on the reoccurrence of her thyroid cancer, and I will paraphrase what she wrote: “I believe that every single good thing in this life is a gift from God. And everything else is just life.” In other words, I will still praise God for all of the beautiful gifts He has given me in this life: my family, my husband, three healthy and amazing children, loving and supportive friends, a warm home to raise my children in, trips and vacations, moments snuggled up with my family watching a funny movie or binge watching with my daughter a sitcom about a teenager who battles cancer, comforting meals from friends and neighbors during treatments, new friendships and bonds I’ve made with other women also battling breast cancer. Every day I can look around and choose to see something beautiful and I can choose to be grateful for something small, but somedays I won’t be able to smile and say “I am so grateful for ____.” And that is OK because I am a human being, and this life we have is not perfect, and this world we live in is broken. Somedays I can scream and cheer, despite my circumstances, for 20 years of marriage celebrated during round 8 of chemo, my son getting his driver’s license (was terrifying but gave us a third driver in our home when we REALLY needed it), my other son who has had his own share of struggles coming in FIRST PLACE at a track meet in the 200 yard dash, my daughter asking my mom to help baptize her this year…

I have come to the conclusion that God is so good because He has gotten me through all of the hard, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days in my life, and I know that He always will. I may or may not get the ending I want, but God has shown me He will never leave me, or my loved ones. I do not have 100% control over whether or not I will always be there for my children, but I can 100% trust that God will be there, and He will provide love and support for my children every step of their lives. As I was composing an email to one of the kids’ teachers the day before my surgery, I wrote, “I will be unreachable that day, but my husband or my mom will be there.” I realized in that moment, someone will be there. It’s not the same as if it were me, but during those pivotal moments, God will put someone there so that they are not alone.

I grew up without my biological father after he passed away when I was 6 years old. I look back now and there was always someone there: teachers who would comfort me when I was sad, my high school softball coach cheering and congratulating me after my highest scoring basketball game (18 points! not too shabby), brothers to vet my new boyfriend, uncles and my stepdad on my wedding day, aunts who’ve always loved on me, my mom – one of my biggest supporters, my grandma always making sure my hairstyle was the best on picture day, my youth pastor counseling me through hard stuff during my adolescent years, my pastor and my best friend’s dad watching over me on mission trips in college, high school teachers who would pray with me, best friends who would cry with me, my FIL driving me to my first job interview in St. Louis, neighbors who walk with me, friends who went with me to chemo treatments…someone who loves me has always been there when I needed it. And I have a beautiful life with so much to be thankful for. I want to be awake and fully present for every moment.  “He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.” ~ Psalm 121:3-4

I cannot deny there are times when the pain is too much for me to process in the moment, so I may choose to distract or numb…kind of like icing a spot or asking for a nova cane shot before a big injection, that sometimes looked like me just sitting on the couch and reading a really good novel and ignoring life, and later, when I am ready and able, I will face those hard things. However, I do not want distraction and numbing to become the default reaction to life.

I have plenty of processing and reflecting to do in the coming year, but I must not stay downcast about the areas where I failed or messed up or the things that do not look perfect; I can acknowledge these experiences and ask myself, “what did I learn? What can I do better next time? What can I do right now that is good?” Or sometimes, maybe all I can say is, “I got through it.” And that is enough.

For all of the things 100% out of my control, I can acknowledge my fears, share it with someone I can confide in, and release it to my Savior who I know I can trust. We are guaranteed in this life that we will have suffering, it cannot be avoided, but we can control how we react to it, how we choose to frame it, and how we will live in response to it.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” ~ James 1:17